Dear Person in a Relationship that's not working,

I sure hope you read all of this.

You love your partner. I know that. But you once told me that you would not settle. So why are you settling for this person?

This person is everything you wanted. Smart, funny, good looking, confident. But there is something missing. This person does not treat you right.

I know it's hard to admit you. You really like this person. But this person doesn't like you. Even if they say they do.

You deserve better. You deserve a person that treats you right.

I know you have values and goals in life. I know that you can reach those goals with out this person, or with out giving up your values to be with this person.

Please, I am begging you, end it for yourself. End it because you love you.

I pushed myself down the stairs...

So as some of you may know, I got in to a tiff with some concrete the other day while I was on rollerblades. It was not exactly the best night, but I guess it did add to my summer drama.

I look pretty beat up. My arm has a minor fracture and infused joints, so of course I have a cast and a sling. My face also looks like it was banged against the wall.

That's what I wanted to write about today. I have come across a lot of people who assume, sometimes sarcastically, that this was not an accident. "Who beat you?" "Who pushed you down the stairs?" "Were you hit?"

And it is rather amusing to explain that I completely wiped out because I was overconfident on wheels. But not so much that the sexism is still there.

I'd imagine the joke would be with guys: "so how does the other guy look?" "who did you fight with now?"

Sexism at it's finest. In joke form. Offensive is funny, I'll admit it. I laugh at sexist, racist jokes all the time. (I try not to.) Sometime I even make them. (Whoops--that needs to end, I'll admit.)

But the difference that I see is not funny. Why do guys get the power jokes? They have a sense of choice in their injuries. With guys: who did you with? With girls this is: who did this to you?

What I would like to explain to everyone over my blog. This was an accident. And I'm independent (note: also single), if anyone was to push me down the stairs or beat me up: it would be me. I don't let others control me....ever. The only person in charge of my life is me.

Acceptance & Apology Affirmation

Yesterday, I reached a point of maturation that I have never realized before:

I'm tired of hating all that have done wrong to me in the past. I certainly do not need an apology from a person to get over x, y and z or at least move on or be okay with what happened. I do not need this big stand on head circus and a jet writing my name on the sky to be okay.

Of course, that's all welcomed. And if you think you owe me an apology, I am not saying do not apologize. But let's look at what I just said "if you think you owe me an apology". That apology seems to be your issue, not mine. There is one more you than me in that fragment.

Part of the apology is for the victim, but part of the apology is for the person making it. The victim was wronged, yes. But no 'I'm sorry' is going to take away the pain that person felt and might continue to feel. It's possible that the victim will be relieved that they heard it. The victim will feel better knowing that the 'offender' knows what s/he did hurt them and that is a great feeling to have.

But an apology will not take back what happened.

Things happen, the world changes and people change with it.

I know that a lot of the world is looking for an apology from some person or another. And I know that a lot of people just won't get it. What will change if a person that hurts you says 'I'm sorry'?

I know that I will greet all my offenders, whether they apologized or understood how much pain they caused me in a decent, somewhat friendly matter. I have said what I have needed to say to them, I have tried to make them understand my pain and I hope that they do not return to the same behaviors with other people.

My offenders will no longer hurt me. But those memories will. An apology will not take away the pain. And hating them will consume you.

So as I was sliding across the concrete yesterday on my rollerblades and 'biffed it' going down a hill. I remembered one thing, that I was finally okay with what my past gave me to work with. Because those experiences made me the person I am today: an honest, blunt, blooming feminist with a lot of passion to give to others. I do not need an apology from anyone to live my life the way I want to.

What's so wrong with equality?

So I was hoping that the first thing that would pop up when I typed in feminism in google is, you know, a site that actually promoted feminism. But it wasn't; it was this.

Now, first of all, this is horrible, horrible propaganda and this is also terrible for the true Christian cause.

I do not think that women are filing for divorce twice the rate as men because of feminism. I believe that women are filing for divorce because their marriage is not working. Yes, the fact that they can file for divorce is feminism-doing. Thank goodness we have that right.

The fact that they try to prove these anti-feminist agendas with slashed biblical quotes out of context is ridiculous. What a horrible way to use the bible. The bible should be used to unify people, make people love each other, but that might be a little too ideal Utopia thinking on my part.

I don't think Eve sinned because she is a woman. I think she sinned because humans are sinners. Using part of a story to try and say that all women are going to follow her steps is ignorant. Look at all of the evil other men have done while in power. Wars, genocide, massacres, brutalization, torture, rape...can we say that all men are evil just because the past illustrates it? No. We can just hope that anyone will not repeat the same mistakes.

"biblically a woman's place is still in the home?" HELLO, THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN YEARS AND YEARS AGO. Of course, it saying the same thing. The bible does not change with time. It will always be the same. The world will not.

You'll see many lies in this site. Don't believe everything you read on the internet. Let's be real folks and be critical in what you see. What is so wrong with women wanting to be equal to men? Maybe if equality actually existed the world would not be at the state it is today. (Which is what this website was trying to say: that feminism caused all the world evils...)

If you really want to learn about feminism, lets try a real feminist site. Wikipedia might even work better.

(And just to let you know, that picture of the 'aborted baby' is actually a picture of a premature birth...it says so on the picture. And Whoopi Goldberg is not homosexual...she has not disproved if she is bisexual or not however.)

Why Men Should Take A Women's Studies Course

One of my friends was looking for an elective to take this next fall. I mentioned that he should take women's studies.

His argument went as follows, I do not want to take a Women's Studies course because...:

• "I'd feel like a creeper"
• "every girl would look at me and say 'why is he in here?' ugh to pick up chicks!"
• "they will call me a pig"

Now I understand that it is intimating being in a room of women. We're scary creatures, I mean, we are like programmed to respect all men and give up our lives for our boyfriends/husbands. SOOOO SCARY.

But realistically, I know that most women's studies professors welcome the male students. Why wouldn't they? Males give a completely different perspective. Just like feminism realizes that women of different ethnicity and sexuality may have different experiences and needs. We realize that men may offer a reasonable and logical perspective.

Now not all feminists feel this way. There are a few radical groups of feminists that will not allow men in their groups and will call them a pig. But meeting these radical feminists in these introductory courses is going to be rare. Meeting these radical feminists in a class setting is going to be rare. Women's Studies is like any other class: except you talk about what's going on in the world in basis of sexism, racism, etc. Calling another classmate a pig would not be acceptable in a business class and neither would it be in a women's studies class.

As for people looking at you and judging you, you are pretty much saying that you do not want to take a class because of what others might think or say about you. You probably would not even know those who those people are. I know that in my general education classes no one cared why I was there. It's the same for a general women's studies class. Not taking a class because you care about how others would see you is a lame excuse and shows little courage.

Feminism is not hatred of men. It's about the equality of the sexes. It would be harmful to our movement if we repressed men's feelings and experiences just because of their chromosomal arrangements. Men can use their privilege in society to further our cause and by taking a women's studies class and learning about the issues that affect women day to day-you will be more understanding and maybe in your own way help reach equality.

I know that patriarchy harms men as well as women. I do not want to repress others rights. I want to be equal.

I do not think any man should be scared to take a women's studies class. It's just a class. We talk about issues in our society. Issues that involve humans. Yes, sometimes we talk about how 'men' are the aggressors, the rapists, etc. But we understand that not all men are aggressors or rapists. Not all men are violent. And if you take that class, I am guessing that you are probably not one of the 'bad men'.

Women's Studies is a challenging class as it makes you think about how our societies effect the humans of those societies. You do not have to be a feminist to take a women's studies class. You do not have to be a woman. What you should be is human and willing to learn.

The Feminist Romance Equation

Why is it that women seem to end their social life as soon as they get a significant other? It's like the only thing that exists to them is their love for their boyfriends.

Women do not do this on purpose. We are programmed to give a man whatever he pleases, as long as he doesn't leave. We are fearful that if we do anything wrong, he may leave us. And you may not admit it or realize this until it is too late.

Men? Can I let you in on a little secret? Just threaten to leave her. Just once. And see what happens. I'm guessing 75% of the women you date, will beg you to not leave.

Ladies? Do the same thing. Watch the difference of reactions. My guess is that he will be extremely heartbroken, but let you go.

I'm certainly not condoning the women who do this. Like I said, it is in our programming, reinforced with romance novels, romantic comdies, and advertisments. It's not our fault. Even I, Miss Blooming Feminist who never makes mistakes (HA), have caught myself in relationships where the only social life I had was making sure that he would not leave me and doing anything to prevent it.

Then women get in relationships because all their friends are in relationships and ignoring them. I'm serious. I'm sure you know women that are like "I WANT A RELATIONSHIP" and whine and cry because they hate being single. And when you ask them why, they say "I need someone to talk to/etc." They list reasons and qualities that you can get from a friendship. And why don't they get this from their friends? Because their girl friends are 'in a relationship' and ignoring them for their man!

And yes, as I was sitting in my room last night disastified with my life and wanting to do something different. I thought for the smallest millisecond that my momentary unhappiness would be solved by getting a significant other. Then I slapped myself out of it. I don't need a relationship to be happy, I just need a friend. My 'social needs' can be met by having a good friend. Or a few good friends.

If I were to get in to a relationship in the future, it would be because:

1. I really like the person


2. We get along


3. We have hot hot hot amazing sex(nothing less)


4. We have similar goals for the future, aka that you want to be long term


5. That person treats me right and respects that I will have another social life with friends and a career and may be in and out of college forever and that I want me time at the gym..


6. All of the above must be met in order for me to consider being romantic
   

So for the people that still don't understand what should be a romantic relationship, here is a visual equation I'm always amazed at the number of women I hear when I suggest they should dump their boyfriends because of a very good reasonable argument and their reactions are almost always the same. "I can't dump him! What if he is the one!?!?" Honey, if you got one, you can get another.

Growth.

I was going back in time and reading my blogs from the past. I put in a lot of effort in to my posts and it shows.

But it also gives me hope.

I've been worrying lately that my opinions about life comes because of my denial of moving on. As most of you should know, fall semester was extremely stressful for me. I went through some personal issues and lost a lot of 'friends'.

But reading my posts, I discover how far I come from fall semester. I am more mature, more emotionally stable and moving on. Yes, I'm not moving on as fast as I would like to. But I'm working on it.

I've realized I metamorphosed in to someone that I am proud of. A person I recognize as myself in the mirror and although I don't know where I am going in life, I'm sure it will be somewhere. I'm no longer taken myself for granted and although I feel full of myself sometimes... (I remember introducing myself to someone new recently and saying "I'm pretty awesome...not to be full of myself, because it's true" wonderful, just wonderful.) Anyway. I recognize my potential and writing this blog is just witness to how much potential I have. =]

That's all. Just a short and sweet update.

If Books were the road to complete happiness I'd take it

I've always been a bit of a bookworm. I lived in a different world from everyone else until I started dating. I still read a little bit then though, but not as much as usual because I was so fascinated with love. Then I went to college and got tangled up with a social life.

Now I'm in a phase in my life where I like where my life is headed. Even though I am content of where I am at with life, I still feel like something is missing. This summer I took two English classes and rediscovered my passion for reading. I have myself a 'feminist library' that I started this fall when I decided to change my major. All of them I have not started, here is my collection and what I am going to read to feed my hunger for 'something else' in my life. I'm hoping that it spices up my blog posts and helps me feed that small part of my belly that never seems to get completely full.

The Compassionate Carnivore

Pornland

Finish the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Series

The Street

For Colored Girls

Invisible Man

The Bluest Eye

Feminism and Pop Culture

Our Guys

The Scarlett Letter

Do It Anyway

I don't know if you noticed. But these books may or may not have anything to do with feminism. But I like to include all sorts of experiences when I think of feminism. I do believe we can not have equality of the sexes and genders until we have equality from every other group in the world. So if you have a recommendation of a good fiction or non-fiction book or author that would help me think in a different perspective, please let me know. =]

(This was coincidental that I started this new goal for myself the day that the last Harry Potter movie came out!)

The End Starts with YOU.

I decided to take an ethnic studies class my freshman year. Partially because I needed it to fit the requirements of the general educational program and partially because it sounded like fun.

And it was fun. I took Introduction to American Indian Studies and loved it. Then this spring I took up a minor in it. At first, I wanted to use my 'whiteness' in good ways and I stated that I was taking these classes to learn about the cultures of our ethinicities in American. But I also wanted to stop oppression of these groups.

Since I am a women's studies major, I understand that I am oppressed. And until I started taking more ethnic studies classes, I didn't understand how closely I allign myself with people of color. Because most people of color understand that their oppressed. People of my gender...do not.

I think all women understand that they are viewed as inferior of men. But most women can excuse that away, saying that as soon as they get married that her husband will have the privilege they need. (Assume that they are heterosexual, which isn't always the case.) There are the women who do not fit the feminine women example and they are excused as deviant to the gender. If they do not have a slender body, they are labeled as obese, or overweight. Not fitting in to social norms, their are plenty of psychological disorders that they could be diagnosed with. (Remember homosexuality was a disorder in the psychological world until GLB activists won that battle. Being a crossdresser or a transvestite is still a disorder...) These women don't fit so they are given a label so that they are an exception, not a woman. And certaintly they aren't oppressed because they are women. That's not why they are oppressed, they have a disorder!

Okay ladies, you understand you are held inferior, but marrying a man is not going to get you to an equal status. And it is certainly not going to save you from being oppressed. Getting diagnosed with a disorder may not help either.

I recognized that I was oppressed. I am not immune from gender oppression because I'm white, or blonde, or blue eyed. Yes, I have privileges but I am still oppressed.

I try to talk to non-women studies majors about this (and some women's studies majors are not feminists or blooming feminists, so it's hard to talk to them too). I try to find spaces where I can be seen as an equal and not an inferior. And it's hard, because so many women are brainwashed in to thinking that we have the same opportunity as men.

Well ladies, you have a disorder called INTERNALIZED OPPRESSION. Yup, you are oppressed. Not because individuals in your life are oppressing you, but you are.

You are trained to think that you are inferior so you accept the low paying jobs, you do not take the hardest classes at your institutions, you may even act dumb and giggly to get men's attention (and eventually a husband). You may not exactly believe this, but society has taught you to not expect more. You speak up, you get told to shut up. If you are sad, then you get pills. You don't fit the feminine body type, you must get plastic surgery or lose weight for goodness sake.

I'm so tired of women telling me that I need to dumb down/pretty up in order to get a male partner. What if I do not want a partner? "Well you will, eventually."

Uhmmm, right now I don't. So why don't you spend your own time realizing that you have accepted a job that you hate and don't make shit, that your husband controls everything you do, and you have no personal opinion about anything. Because I'd rather be lonely forever, then have a job that I despise, not be able to make my own choices, and not be able to think.

Listen up, Ladies: You have a CHOICE in life. You can accept being degraded and not being a complete person. Or you can be your own person. Your thinking is the biggest obstacle in becoming you. Or lack of thinking...in this case.

My Search for the Dream Sugar Daddy...(or not)

Earlier this month I expressed my disgust with the members of the male sex who I have dated in the past. I know I share these concerns with plenty of other young women (and some men) who have had their hearts brokens and sometimes, dream shattered, at an end of a relationship or even during a relationship.

Me being my curious self started to examine what other kinds of relationships I could have with the male persuasion. Dating and romantic relationships are out for a short period of time until I decide there is a man that is worth the headache of a relationship.

Well obviously I, a woman, can be friends with members of the male sex. It has happened before and I have plenty of close guy friends. This raises a few issues however, because it seems like either one or sometimes both of us go in and out of attraction for one another. I do not have a guy friend that I have not had a 'crush' one at one point or another and I know I have some guy friends that have at least considered me attractive. And even if we both really like each other, I am no longer even considering dating a friend. Their friendship is more important than a romantic relationship.

So being friends with a guy definitely counts and is okay. You just have to learn how to deal with each other possibly falling in love with one another and not acting on it. =/

Then last night I came up with an idea of becoming a SUGAR BABY. You heard me. For a brief moment (or a few hours) HANNAH -a women's studies major and blooming feminist-considered getting a sugar daddy.

Don't ask me why I considered this a good idea. I mean, good lord, how do you even find one of those??!?!

I found the answer. ONLINE. No, seriously, there are sites that you can search for a male that will help you find your dream sugar daddy.

Okay, Okay. I am hoping to find a guy that may or may not be a celebrity or at least a celebrity look-a-like. A guy that would yes, respect that I am a gorgeous young lady but that I also have a brain.

Then I realized that I probably wouldn't find a guy like that there. And the dread is that maybe I won't have a partner anytime soon that respects me for both those things. In the first time in twenty years I finally see myself as beautiful and deserving of a loving healthy possibly romantic relationship. And although I am in no hurry to start finding that person, it would be nice to realize that people out there exist!

But for now, I am happy being single. Though I do look forward to the day that I can have a healthy and happy relationship that reflects the values I hold. And that person respects me for my values and respects my opinions.

(Note: Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are in a relationship that isn't healthy. Please, please, please, please, go to counseling together or seperate and try to make it healthy. Even end it. Everyone deserves a healthy relationship!!!)

That Tick Tocking is not my Biological Clock...

Everyone asks me what my dreams are for my future.

It's a crazy question. And I dislike it very much. What are you talking about when you ask that question? My career, my personal life, what I dream about night to night?

Half the time I assume they are talking about my career and I tell them the career I'm going for that day or hour or moment. They are amazed that I'm majoring in Women's Studies and have no idea what I could do with it. (Again, a lot.)

I want to be successful. But more importantly I want to do more than that. People call me a feminist, and I guess I am one. They get completely flustered when I tell them the truth.

What's the truth?

I want to have a family.

The thing is the only reason I want to be successful in my career is to have a family.

Now please don't confuse this idea of having a family with being a wife or a mother full-time.

Don't confuse this post with some ramblings about how I want to be pregnant by 28 so I better find my husband now.

Don't even connect this idea with a husband at all.

Around age 30 and sometimes earlier, women start getting anxious...WHAT IF I DON'T HAVE KIDS.

This is not because they have clock in their biology, like some scientists state. This has everything to do with societal norms.

I used to up until very recently connecte the idea of family and motherhood to the process of pregnancy. Can I let you in on a secret? Pregnancy has nothing to do with family or motherhood.
You are no less of a woman if you can not have children. (This goes the same for men) You don't even have to want children to be a woman or to have a family.

Have I confused you yet?

It's okay because I'm always confused.

But if there is one thing I am not confused about is that I want to have a family. That's my fricking dream. And I'm a fricking feminist! Deal with it.

Forget about the expensive egg freezing options, or invitro or the 'natural' process of becoming a mother. Forget survival of the fittest. Forget about the whole idea of passing 'your genes down.'

I don't want to pass my genes down. I want to pass my knowledge down. That's the most important part of being a mother. Not getting pregnant, not taking your kids to soccer games, not being with the father of your child.

It's not about how you had the child, when you had the child, or even being around for 18 years. Believe me, when I decided I actually wanted to be a mom. I flipped out. And I wasn't even 20 years old yet. It's a scary thought. You only have so many eggs and you don't want to be a young mother or an old mother and then the rest of the world is telling you what you should and shouldn't do.


I know I follow the traditional gender roles of being nurturing and loving and sensitive and whatever the frick you want to label me as. I'm fine with that. I'm not going to try hard to become a stereotypical feminist, or to fit the role as a feminist. As so many people call me, I would like to remind you that labels are not my thing. So call me what you want but that doesn't mean I'm gonna behave how you want me to with that label!

I want women and men to be able to choose their path. I believe that we live in a patrarchial society and that causes women to suffer oppression. I don't like that women suffer and that they think that their is only one way to do things in life. And it goes like this: meet boy, force him in to marriage, get married, have kids, push kids for grandkids, die. Any different and the world is in to an uproar. I'm only twenty and I have seen girls doing this, frick, I have said things like this...

Forget what people say, or how loudly your biological clock is ticking. Do what you want to do. You want to be a successful attorney. Go for it. Do you hate children? Then please don't feel the need to have them. Just because someone says "when are you going to get married/have children?" doesn't mean that you actually have to do that...News flash, you don't have to do anything you do not want to do.





Your biological clock is made up. Yes, you can't have children after a certain age, but that doesn't mean you can't adopt or foster children. People get so caught up in this fertility debate, they see Kate Goslin popping out twins and then more, then another person popping out octuplets. Another women on TLC has like 19 kids...

You can be a mother in so many different ways and have no children of your own. Heck, you do not even have to adopt or foster to be a mother. My point is if you want children, then that's fine. But I feel like worrying about when you have them, how you have them, etc. etc. etc. takes away so much joy from actually being a mom.

I'm gonna reach that dream. And I'm gonna have a family. It may not be a family like everyone expects: a husband 2.3 kids and a white picket fence. Or it may be just that...who even knows anymore?

My NOT Family Friendly Version of Happily Ever After

I find myself more and more desiring the company of gay male companions than those that are straight.

Yes, I will admit it. I'm one of those crazy girls with the gay posse. Not exactly. But I like to think so. I am married to one...in a very platonic but dreamy way. Read on if you wish...but let me warn you, I use technical terms for both a hole and a stick....