I feel powerless. I haven't felt this powerless in years.

I found myself in an uncomfortable situation and with the situations I have been going through I was not able to function or be of defense of myself like I normally would. I tried to advocate for myself, to explain the feelings I had, but he was either unwilling to listen or did not understand the feelings I have.

My sense of security is shattered. Some days I have good days, some days I am scared to death to trust anyone around me and shut up faster than a clam. Today was one of those days. I can not begin to articulate how these events have affected my well beings. Sometimes I can concentrate in classes, on homework and can function. Other days I sit there like a zombie barely getting through the day, close to tears if anyone asks how I am.

I want out; I want my power back; I want this all to end. When I think of my cast being destroyed, it destroys a part of me that I worked so hard to build up. A confident young women who does not let anyone use her, that does not let anyone mistreat her. How can they destroy this in one action? It's been three days but it might as well be a lifetime.

People are messed up

I don't vlog much but this was something I had to say.

Body Language

I use to be the kind of woman that you could always count on being at the gym. And don't get me wrong, I love working out and I enjoy it very much.

But I realized this past year where I was not found at the gym all the time, made me realize that my body is my body. And I kind of, sort of like it. ha! Just kidding, I love my body.

Yes, I am not super fit, but I'm healthy. I realized that I will never have the body I want to have. No matter how hard I try. (Trust me, I tried hard.) My legs are lumpy, my stomach sometimes is a tummy, my calves are over defined, and sometimes I have triple chins. No matter how hard I worked to get my body as defined as my calves, my calves were the only ones picking up the slack.

I don't eat a lot of candy all the time, I like eating, but really don't have an eating problem. I eat when I am hungry and eat what I am hungry for. I could lay off the french fries some more, and I ate a whole bag of Reese's hearts this week because well, I bought it. I don't work out for two hours a day anymore and I am often too tired to run faster or push myself harder. But yet, when I look in the mirror, I like what I see. I recognize my flaws, but I am fine with them.

It's weird because I used to be such an avid exerciser, like obsessively avid. And at that time I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. Then one day, I was watching a slide show of the pictures of training for my job this summer and there I was. I didn't even recognize myself. I was far from emaciated, but it was like I was thinner then what I saw in the mirror. I literally didn't exist on the side angle. I thought I was this thick disgusting woman that need to drop a few pounds and get rid of my rolls, but this picture scared me. I remember looking at my friend and saying "I really don't exist do I?"

This changed my habits. I started working out when I felt like it and stopped worrying so much about what I put in my mouth. The past five months of doing this, has made me realize and accept my body for what it is. Perfect. I still get that high after working out and now I stuff my face with food if I really like the food that is given to me. My eating habits are "normal", I eat when I am hungry, whenever that is. I am listening to my body.

I wish more women could accept their body and love their body for what it is. Perfect. I know women who work out constantly, work out until they are literally falling over from exhaustion, that is not right, that is not cool. Your body is not going to treat you right from that treatment.

So final analysis, I love my body and now I am going for a walk to show it that.

My vagina needs a nip tuck...no seriously

I was 17 years old when I first heard of the nip tucks being done on women's external genitals. This made me nervous, I didn't know your genitals had to be perfect. How do I know if they are perfect? Can I see a picture?

Later, I watched a "Sex and the City" episode where Charlotte finally uses a mirror to explore herself. Aha! That's how I know if it will be perfect or not.

So I went to the bathroom later that night and found a mirror. As I looked at it, I found so much wrong with every thing. My lips were too big, they were flappy. I have flappy lips. I do not want flappy lips. I immediately called my boyfriend at the time..."I need to have surgery down there...my lips are too flappy."

"Wait what? You're lips, huh?" He replied and I could tell he really wasn't interested in my flappy lips.

"Fine! You can deal with my flappy lips! God you are so inconsiderate!" I hung up and obsessed over it by myself.

While reading my newest book about Feminism "Full Frontal Feminism" by Jessica Valenti, she discusses how in Africa this surgery is called FGM-female genital mutilation. And in America this is called "cosmetic surgery".

Shows just how hypocritical our beliefs our. FGM is wrong, but having a doctor try and change your lips is right? What is wrong with that?

I am no longer obsessive over my fat lips. Who cares if my lips are Angelina Jolie sized down there...I thought she was supposed to be hot anyway? But the fact that for months I wondered how I could afford this surgery scares me. At the same time I was learning about FGM and did not connect the two together. I was appalled by FGM but accepted the views of a perfect vagina. (Which isn't anatomically right anyway, my "lips" are actually the labia which is part of the female Vulva---which is NOT a car).

In fact, I did not connect it until today when I was reading that chapter by Valenti on beauty. Just ridiculous. I had forgot about my freak out over my fat Angelina lips.

And when I read this over, trying to correct my bad grammar and spelling. I notice just how messed up our beauty standards are. We can have big lips on our face....but not down there? Please. We can criticize cultural practices for tradition across the world, but practice the same thing in America just for beauty. Why is everything so backwards? Why can't I love my big Angelina lips and my little ears?

And who tells me I can't? Because I actually do. I am not going to waste 40,000 dollars on a surgery when I can spend it on school, that's more than the loans I have taken out for school right now anyway. Even though my thighs are thunderous, why can't that be beautiful? Because I am beautiful. And what makes me beautiful is not the size of my lips, or my little ears, or my thunder thighs; it is my passion for helping people. It is my passion for caring. It is my personality. Not my looks, it was never my looks that made me beautiful.

Beauty should never be on the outside; And more Americans need to learn this before they have their labia messed with.(And use the right terminology!!! Vagina is on the inside!!!)