The Love of Others

I have to admit. I was down the past week.

It wasn't anything major I just realized a lot of things about my current life that I was not looking at in the right perspective.

I'm a strong person. Or I try to be. I give off the sign of being confident and well put together. I don't have the lowest confidence in the world, but I definitely don't believe that I am CONFIDENT.

This past two years at college has changed me for the better. I still have flaws to fix, but I'm a constantly striving to being a 100% person. Finding Feminism and trying to live a feminist lifestyle this past semester has been a struggle.

I realized that these past two years have also been filled with heartbreak and broken promises. It's been filled with a lot of tears over relationships, friendships, and disappointments.

Then I realized that come September no one has said I love you to me. in two years. two. years.

I thought that had to be wrong. I mean, I had boyfriends these past two years. I had to have someone say 'I love you' and mean it. No. I was right. Come September not one guy has said 'I love you.'

That severely worried me. Was I unlovable? Did I not deserve love? What am I doing wrong that someone has not shared that feeling for me?

Then I remembered. So many people say 'I love you' to me everyday. My friends and my sisters. At least twice a day, some one reminds me that they love me. I've never noticed before because I've been looking at the wrong kind of love.

Romantic is not the only kind of love. That's not the only kind of love you need. Some may argue that you do not need the romantic kind of love.

And those people that tell me "I love you", I actually mean it when I say "I love you, too".

I was so busy being upset over not having romantic love, I forgot all about the love I have already. The love from my friendships, the love from my sisters, the love from even my classmates.

I used to think that I will never feel unconditional love until I have children. But now I am realizing that I do have unconditional love. Just check my Facebook wall, look at my life, look at the people who surround me everyday.

So many individuals are looking for love. They are looking for 'the person' to spend the rest of their life with.

Well I'm not. I'm not looking for love. I have love. I have the people I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And I think that is truly what feminism is to me. It's about realizing what you do have is precious and worthwhile. It's about finding what is important to you and not letting anyone steal that away. It's about how everyone needs the love of others, not just the love of one.

The Best Thing College Has Given To Me

Wow. I seem to be in a blogging mood lately.

I definitely would recommend people to be as involved in college as you can, and speaking from experience, this is not hard to do.

Of course, it means many late nights and less time for studying but overall it is a great feeling when you finish a semester with a high GPA and many fond memories.

But that is not why I am blogging today.

I went through high school with a small amount of friends that I spoke to between and in classes, but after school was out, we rarely hung out. I was not given the social support I needed from my friendships and I turned to a romantic relationship I said. This relationship was unstable and unhealthy as I turned to this individual for all my support.

Please note that this is not a post designed to hurt the individual I dated for almost three years of my life though it may come off so. This is a post to reflect what *I* have learned from it. I burdened this individual emotionally and I have come to accept that I maybe placed too much responsiblity of my happiness in his hands for an average human being to deal with.

I have spent almost two years reflecting and growing over the subject of my romantic life. Joining these student organizations has helped me in so many ways, but one of the most, it has given me support beyond belief.

I am now able to recognize the signs of an unhealthy behavior and stop it before it becomes too harmful for myself. Although I have been single for the majority of these last two years, I have been more happier than I was in a relationship. I have had healthy relationships since then and although most of them ended, I did not feel like I needed another one to survive.

I depended on my ex to survive emotionally. This individual broke up with me for a short time in February of my senior year and I felt completely alone. More than alone. I thought this was a sign of true love, but now I realize it was a sign of dependency.

I recognize this dependency in other woman around me. We are social beings and we need social support. A romantic relationship is one way of getting that support. Notice I said one way.

When I started college, I wanted to have friends to hang out with. And I wanted to include my significant other on this journey. I realized quickly that this wasn't going to happen. I remember realizing this and instead of feeling devastated as I was at the last break up, I was relieved.

Even though my friendships were still developing at this point, I knew I had the support I needed to end the relationship. So I did.

I have never regretted this decision.

Some of those friendships I turned to for support at this time have ended. This is sad. I do not think I have thanked them for being there when I needed them. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For the ones that were there and continue to be there for me, thank you as well. These people mean so much to me, even though some of us are no longer friends.

But the biggest support I received was from the organizations I was involved with the past few years. Of course, this is where I maintained and formed many friendships, both temporary and longer lasting. And this is why I encourage all the students I come across to be as involved as you want to be.

As I approach my last year in my undergraduate education, I am realizing for the first time in my life I am making decisions for myself.

Two years ago when I made the decision to go to this insitution, it was not for me, it was for the relationship. When I was debating whether or not to join the Marines, I barely even considered it because of the views of my partner. But now, I decided against the Peace Corps option with out any input of anyone else.

I wouldn't be able to be independent with out the support of so many individuals around me. That seems like an oxymoron but trust me, it's not possible to be independent with out people around you.

What's the best thing College has given me? Support wins by a large landslide.

And I decided to change my major on an epiphany-like-rush, but something that being a Women's Studies major taught me early on is that in order to receive change in society you must support all others around you. Then as you are supporting others, they support you and change is quicker and a more positive thing.

Yes or No or Maybe or Sometimes or When it is Convenient

I live in a country where people can choose what they want to believe in.

And although it is ultimate brainwashing organizations. I am proud that we have a choice of what to believe in.

I partially watched a documentary on Polygamy today. I was half watching, half trying to do my homework, half hanging out with a friend...three halves is a lot. A conversation came up. Doesn't it always?

"Is polygamy right?" was the topic of the discussion. And I said yes.

Yes, it must blow your mind that I said yes. But here is the deal. As long as the plural marriage involves all consensual individuals that are of age, I have no problem with it. And it would be great if incest or abuse didn't happen in these relationships too, then I would REALLY have no problem.

Because basically, we live in a country where people can be brainwashed beyond belief and think the god of the world is Marilyn Monroe...and as long as they are not harming people other than themselves I have no problem with that. (But that's my belief so I am biased...hah!)

And for me, what matters is if those people had a choice and if they have the same choice today.

Men On Mondays!!!: Even More New Perspectives

For missing my first class today, I feel as though my brain is exploding with knowledge right now. I can barely keep it in with out crying.

What has caused this brain input right now, let's see if I can get this down right now so I do not forgot this knowledge overload.

I went to my second class today burning with anger that I missed my first one. But what I learned in my second class was reason enough to be trembling.

My professor is one who could speak for hours in front of me and I would sit there in awe. Every class he gives me something to think about in terms of my life that really just makes my life---real.

What we looked at in class today was the amazing (and I mean, amazing) structures that our ancestors created. Creations like Macchu Picchu and Cahokia, just seriously google image the structures and I get sick to my stomach about not only the beauty of it but the brillance.

He refers to all historical people as 'our ancestors' and I love that he has done that. I decided that I will refer to all people as my ancestors and my family from now on. How can I hate someone that is a part of me? Answer: I can't. By referring to other people as your family, you are recognizing that they are an equal and that they are respected and most of all that they are loved.

This family belief: that all people are family reminds me of the first piece of advice that "101 ways to stop Prejudice" booklet tells you to do, which is "learn and share about your heritage."

So here I am just sitting in awe at the creation of this wonderful, magnificant structures and the brilliant professor. With the first piece of advice looming in my head about ways to end prejudice...(because of course I read that packet on our break from class...) And I can not wrap my head around this amazing, chilling beauty I just saw. There is no words to describe how I felt then and there, and even now. Besides to say that I had and have goosebumps thinking about it.

So I leave class and head to work, where I was determined to be productive. But of course, no such thing happens because upon reading my online class discussions, I am chilled at another thought...

For class, we had to read "How men have (a) sex" by John Stoltenberg. Which is a very good essay and I highly recommend it to anyone who is researching gender and sex issues or anyone who is interested. But what was more breaking was how Stoltenberg chooses to live his life as a radical feminist.

First of all, John Stoltenberg identifies as a feminist. I have mentioned before that I know about the controversy of the disagreement on whether men can be feminists or not. I believe in self-identification above the views of others. And if he claims he is a feminist and is doing good work in the name of feminist. I shall call him what he believes himself to be.

Second of all, Stoltenberg is an anti-porngraphy activist. Porn is something that I am still on the fence about, especially because modern porn is degrading and harmful for the women that are participating in it. (More on my stance, here.)

And third of all, Stoltenberg identifies as a gay individual. Yet he lived with a woman named Andrea Dworkin for 31 years as a life-partner. His ideas of sexuality and gender are ground breaking and he chooses to live his life despite society's norms and beliefs about it.

My sexuality and my gender identity is something that I have quietly struggled with for years.(You can read more about part of my struggle in a letter I wrote to the Star Tribune after my graduation, here.)Only a few friends and family members know about this struggle and some still do not know about the extent I have struggled with it.

...and I tell you, my readers, this, not for sympathy, but just to understand why exactly Stoltenbergs life and belief speak to me so closely.

But I am in awe that someone can live life free of gender constraints and the conformity of sex. It seems he did that quite successfully and in a loving relationship none the less.

I have been throwing around an issue lately, in my head, about my own life and my relationships. Can relationships, somewhatromantic, go with out a sexual relationship? Society tells us no. Not at all. But I believe otherwise. I believe that at certain point in your life, you need different kinds of love. Mostly everyone can say that they love their mother (or they did at one point in their life) and at one point in everyone's life, they needed her. And something that I have gone with out most of my life is a love of a true friend, which I believe that everyone needs a 'romantic' friendship through out their whole life. And finally, it's a societal myth that twopeople are going to fall in love and live happily ever after, with out any one's elses love or support. (Love and support are one in the same, another belief, you can not love someone with out supporting them and you can not support someone with out loving them.)

This is something, an idea of love, that I have been throwing around in my head for months now. I have not been able to fully articulate it. And I doubt that now, I have successfully done so. But it seems, at least surfacely that John Stoltenberg believes and lives this too.

So overview, I decided to honor two men that only recently entered my life but helped me articulate what I have been trying to define for months, maybe even years. One is a professor and another is John Stoltenberg. These two men are helpful to both the feminist movement and my own movement. And I am grateful for their work.

Summer!

Hey readers,

It's been awhile, but I had finals and closing, so I had no time for updating this thing. Let alone turning on my computer.

It is officially summer for me and you know what that means: more classes.

I am one of the few students that stay on-campus during the summer. I got a job with Reslife, so living here is free! I love school, so classes were a must. I'm taking a variety of classes, which I will be sure to blog about. (I have already finished 3 credits!!!)

I wanted to share about a personal realization I had in the past week. I was showering and I called myself, 'fat'. For the first time in my life, I did a double take.

I'm always saying how everyone is beautiful as themselves. That bodies are beautiful if they take care of it.

And here I am saying that I'm fat.

That's a hypocrite.

So that night, when I got out of the shower, I looked in the mirror and spoke to myself.

Yup, I talk to my reflection...

I told myself that I loved my unnormal toes because I have a second toe as long as my pinky finger. I told myself that my ankles were wonderful, especially because they help me run 9 minute miles. That my calves were smooth and toned. That my thighs were thin(ish). That my hips were big, but helped my butt look smaller. That my stomach was flat, my boobs were full, my chest was beautiful, my arms were thin. That my lips were kissable....you get the point.

And my point? It was all true.

I challenge you to stop talking about your body in negative ways. Instead of saying I need to lose 5 pounds to get rid of my thunder thighs, I would say, damn, I am so glad my thighs help me get to class on time.

No, really. I'm serious.

Because this is the thing for me. If someone kept telling me how horrible I looked, how bad I looked, I would not do anything. I wouldn't go outside, go to work. Nothing.

My body needs to be treated correctly. Otherwise it will stop working.

That's not completely true, but the logic works in my head.

Also, what I have been doing is just trying to remove the negative parts of what I see in people.

Instead of a heavy-set person, I see a woman with gorgeous eyes...or great boobs...or pretty lips...or...you know?

I figure that we already have the media and supermodel pressuring us. Why do we need ourselves being negative as well?

Take care.

Hi, I'm Hannah and I'm vegetarian!: Life Lessons on Acceptance

I've been in a wonderful mood to change my life for the better lately! At first it was just making sure I was a 100% student, Community Advisor and friend, but I've widened it to include making life changes about myself.

So since the only meat I eat was Salami and Chicken, I decided that it's time for me to finally become my 13-year-old self. I made the rash decision to become vegetarian. (I guess it wasn't really rash because I've been debating in my mind for the past 7 years!)

And much like everything else, I am excited for it!!! It seems lately I have been becoming the adult my 13 year old self has always wanted me to become.

Here is the time for labels, and if you are a regular reader you would know how much I dislike confining myself to those labels. (Read more here about that.)

Pretty much when I was 13, I wanted to be a hippy. Yep, a hippy. I had these great dreams of going to Vassar University in New York and majoring in women's studies. I wanted to love all and not care what others thought of me. I wanted to be a vegetarian, listen to cool music, write poetry and fight for the rights of women. And you know what, I wanted to be single, too.

Of course, life happened and by the time I was 16, I was far from believing in those ideals. I was far from accomplishing those goals I had set out for myself. I had a boyfriend, I considered myself a pro-life conservative and I wanted to be a business professional. I don't know how I changed so drastically...but I did.

Then I went to college, I entered college as a conservative women with a controlling boyfriend and no opinion on anything. After the first 3 weeks of college, I had dropped the controlling boyfriend and the conservative views and never looked back. My first year of college was very difficult for me, but I enjoyed every minute of it. I lost 15 pounds, I started working out and I really gained a healthy image of my body.

It wasn't until last semester that I told my business major good-bye and entered the world of women's studies. Lately, through this blog and my classes, I have been redefining who I am and what I want in life. I still don't know what I want to do after I graduate. The future is so uncertain for me, but right now, I am concentrating on making this an amazing experience. I am concentrated in the now.

Although I am not going to the college of my dreams or fighting injustices everyday in my life. I know my time will come. But I know is that 13-year-old Hannah would be proud. Note: The reason why I share this is that I think it is important to yourself and others to share how you metamorphed in to feminism. No story is the same!!! Sharing why or how you found feminism is important, feel free to share in the comment section! I want to know! I'm curious!