In Hopes that someone that needs this will read this

For one of my jobs at my university, I am planning with the Pride Community an "It Gets Better" video for our school. I am uberly excited for this experience as I know it will be a great one and get many people involved. But I also have a personal experience with this kind of tragedy.

This tragedy is one that affect GLBT youth at a much larger rate. It is suicide. Dan Savage created the "It Gets Better" project after a series of suicides of GLBT youth that thought after the harassment they received in schools that they did not have a life worth living.

Depression is something you do not understand until you have it. Until you go through it on a deep level. It's something you can not smile through. It is something that plagues you, haunts you on a daily, hourly, minutely basis. It's something I have struggled with ever since I can remember.

I never knew I would be this successful in college. I always thought I would have to become someone else. Someone popular or pretty or better. Someone with better self-esteem or a boyfriend or a girlfriend or someone that has lettered in every single thing they have tried (Which coincidentally is everything. You know the person I am talking about, every school has one of those people. ) I thought I had to become someone else in order to be happy.

I was harassed for my sexuality when I was younger. And it is something I tear up to this day about. It is something that I will never get over. And it is something I wish someone had stopped earlier. I wish the teacher that witnessed it, everyday, would have said something. I wish that more of my classmates asked me if I was okay with them calling me a "bra stuffing lesbian". More often, I wish that adults didn't tell me "they are just teasing you because they are jealous."

No, they weren't teasing me because they were jealous. They were teasing me, because they saw someone who was alone. Who was vulnerable. My personality, my looks, my breast size had nothing to do with why they teased me. They teased me because they thought it was fun and it was easy. Yes, there is probably more to why they teased me. But they chose to tease me because I was vulnerable, alone and no one stood up for me, including myself.

I don't ever remember asking them to stop. I don't ever remember myself telling the teacher to ask them to stop. This is something that I need to stress to the people who are feeling harassed, teased, bullied whatever. It is a horrible experience to go through. But you need to stand up to these people and tell them to stop. You need to be a self-advocate. Your best advocate is YOU. (side note: This shouldn't be so, others should stand up for you too. But people won't, they are scared, find courage and stand up for yourself. And others will stand behind you. I promise.)

My life didn't start getting better, once I got a boyfriend. It didn't start getting better once I lettered in everything I did. It didn't get better once I got friends. It didn't get better when I lost weight, when I got the job I wanted...It got better when I started taking care of myself and respecting myself enough for others to respect me.

It is gonna get better. A whole hell of a lot better. But be yourself and do what you want to do, and if that doesn't make you happy, do something else that does. This is your life. And it is not gonna get any better until you are happy with yourself, not your surroundings.

So please, figure out what makes you happy and try not to care what other people around you thinks or says. Because the only persons opinion that really matters is yours. Your opinion of yourself matters, and if you respect yourself and love yourself, the people around you that you want to hang out with will see that and respect you too.

It's not easy. It is going to be very hard. I'm not saying that you're not gonna struggle for a few weeks, months, or years. But don't worry, it's worth it.

So how do you REALLY know?

I watched "The Big Gay Musical"(2009) with one of my close friends recently. Good movie, though it mainly focused on gay men instead of the queer community.

It seems that gay men are representated fairly accurately in popular culture. With a few exceptions of course. The film really spoke to a lot of people trying to date in this time period. A lot of people want hookups as opposed to relationships at my age and I know that is hard for a lot of my friends.



It's on Netflix instant play, and it is definitely something you might want to check out. Especially if you are tired of dating/hooking-up/whatever.

But I wanted to raise a good question about movies that show lesbians. I call the media representation of lesbians as 'part-time'. Most of the lesbians that have been shown on movies are extrememly lipstick (feminine), going through a midlife crisis, or psycho. And although it makes a great movie and plot, it also harms the lesbian population. It makes it seem that lesbianism is a phase for women or a part-time sexuality that can be changed if they met a nice man. There is certainly a representation like this in movies for gay men, however, it is not as prominent as men are usually trusted to make their own decisions!

Women, however, are not. "You just haven't met the right guy" the movie goes, and focuses on the women exploring her sexuality but at the end settling for the perfect man. It's like the media finds women inadequate to make their own decisions!


Take a look at a popular movie and play "Rent"(2005). Now the representation for the gay couple is fairly accurate, but the lesbian couple is insecure of their feelings for each other. Maureen, played by Idina Menzel, who is a 'new' lesbian but also a lesbian that flirts with other woman. Her partner Joanne, played by Tracie Thoms, asks her to be exclusive and Maureen agrees only to let Joanne down by flirting with another women. None of Maureens friends seem to believe that her feelings are real for Joanne, just another Maureen phase. Maureen herself seems to believe that Joanne is just another lover to add to her list. Nothing special.


Another movie I watched is "Chloe" (2009), Julianne Moore stars as Catherine a respectable doctor and wife who believes that her husband is cheating on her with his young college students. She hires Chloe, who is played by Amanda Seyfried, to try and seduce her husband to see if he is actually cheating. Chloe and Catherine end up having a sexual relationship and Catherine thinks it is just an affair or a phase. The movie ends with Chloe wanting a relationship with Catherine and doing anything to get it. It is like the movie producers do not trust the characters with their sexuality. Catherine is just going through a midlife crisis and Chloe is a young women who is very crazy.

When men come out in movies or television shows, it is usually accepted through 'looked down upon'. For example, take a look at the show 'Will and Grace', during the flashbacks when Will came out, no one questioned him or told him that 'he didn't meet the right woman'. Jack, who is obviously more flamboyant, was not questioned either.(At least in the episodes I remember) Men are trusted that they know their sexuality, women are not.

"But I'm a Cheerleader" (1999) is another movie that stars a lesbian and it is puzzling to me. The main character, Megan, does not believe she is a lesbian. Her family and friends force her to 'come out' and then send her to a camp to train her to be straight. Of course, she discovers she truly is gay at the end and runs away with her new girlfriend. Which is great that it ends happily and all, but I can't help but think that no one believed her when she said 'I'm not lesbian', do you not trust her to know her own sexuality? In this case, her friends and family ended up being right, but what if they weren't?

Whether you think you are straight, gay, bisexual, transgender, or lesbian---I do not think anyone should be questioned: "are you sure?" "isn't that like a phase?" "are you just sick of dating men/women?" People should trust you to know you and if 'you' change your mind, it's because you are human, not because you are a women.

Media representations of lesbians need to change. They need to start showing lesbians who are confident about their sexuality and their relationships. 'Normal' people who are just trying to get by in this world and love who they want to. Lesbianism is not a phase for all women, it is not something for straight men to watch and think it is hot, it is not a disorder. Women need to be trusted to make their own decisions about their life and this is one of those decisions: who to love. Sexuality does fluctate with some people, but I wish that people would just accept others as who they are.

Acceptance & Apology Affirmation

Yesterday, I reached a point of maturation that I have never realized before:

I'm tired of hating all that have done wrong to me in the past. I certainly do not need an apology from a person to get over x, y and z or at least move on or be okay with what happened. I do not need this big stand on head circus and a jet writing my name on the sky to be okay.

Of course, that's all welcomed. And if you think you owe me an apology, I am not saying do not apologize. But let's look at what I just said "if you think you owe me an apology". That apology seems to be your issue, not mine. There is one more you than me in that fragment.

Part of the apology is for the victim, but part of the apology is for the person making it. The victim was wronged, yes. But no 'I'm sorry' is going to take away the pain that person felt and might continue to feel. It's possible that the victim will be relieved that they heard it. The victim will feel better knowing that the 'offender' knows what s/he did hurt them and that is a great feeling to have.

But an apology will not take back what happened.

Things happen, the world changes and people change with it.

I know that a lot of the world is looking for an apology from some person or another. And I know that a lot of people just won't get it. What will change if a person that hurts you says 'I'm sorry'?

I know that I will greet all my offenders, whether they apologized or understood how much pain they caused me in a decent, somewhat friendly matter. I have said what I have needed to say to them, I have tried to make them understand my pain and I hope that they do not return to the same behaviors with other people.

My offenders will no longer hurt me. But those memories will. An apology will not take away the pain. And hating them will consume you.

So as I was sliding across the concrete yesterday on my rollerblades and 'biffed it' going down a hill. I remembered one thing, that I was finally okay with what my past gave me to work with. Because those experiences made me the person I am today: an honest, blunt, blooming feminist with a lot of passion to give to others. I do not need an apology from anyone to live my life the way I want to.

The End Starts with YOU.

I decided to take an ethnic studies class my freshman year. Partially because I needed it to fit the requirements of the general educational program and partially because it sounded like fun.

And it was fun. I took Introduction to American Indian Studies and loved it. Then this spring I took up a minor in it. At first, I wanted to use my 'whiteness' in good ways and I stated that I was taking these classes to learn about the cultures of our ethinicities in American. But I also wanted to stop oppression of these groups.

Since I am a women's studies major, I understand that I am oppressed. And until I started taking more ethnic studies classes, I didn't understand how closely I allign myself with people of color. Because most people of color understand that their oppressed. People of my gender...do not.

I think all women understand that they are viewed as inferior of men. But most women can excuse that away, saying that as soon as they get married that her husband will have the privilege they need. (Assume that they are heterosexual, which isn't always the case.) There are the women who do not fit the feminine women example and they are excused as deviant to the gender. If they do not have a slender body, they are labeled as obese, or overweight. Not fitting in to social norms, their are plenty of psychological disorders that they could be diagnosed with. (Remember homosexuality was a disorder in the psychological world until GLB activists won that battle. Being a crossdresser or a transvestite is still a disorder...) These women don't fit so they are given a label so that they are an exception, not a woman. And certaintly they aren't oppressed because they are women. That's not why they are oppressed, they have a disorder!

Okay ladies, you understand you are held inferior, but marrying a man is not going to get you to an equal status. And it is certainly not going to save you from being oppressed. Getting diagnosed with a disorder may not help either.

I recognized that I was oppressed. I am not immune from gender oppression because I'm white, or blonde, or blue eyed. Yes, I have privileges but I am still oppressed.

I try to talk to non-women studies majors about this (and some women's studies majors are not feminists or blooming feminists, so it's hard to talk to them too). I try to find spaces where I can be seen as an equal and not an inferior. And it's hard, because so many women are brainwashed in to thinking that we have the same opportunity as men.

Well ladies, you have a disorder called INTERNALIZED OPPRESSION. Yup, you are oppressed. Not because individuals in your life are oppressing you, but you are.

You are trained to think that you are inferior so you accept the low paying jobs, you do not take the hardest classes at your institutions, you may even act dumb and giggly to get men's attention (and eventually a husband). You may not exactly believe this, but society has taught you to not expect more. You speak up, you get told to shut up. If you are sad, then you get pills. You don't fit the feminine body type, you must get plastic surgery or lose weight for goodness sake.

I'm so tired of women telling me that I need to dumb down/pretty up in order to get a male partner. What if I do not want a partner? "Well you will, eventually."

Uhmmm, right now I don't. So why don't you spend your own time realizing that you have accepted a job that you hate and don't make shit, that your husband controls everything you do, and you have no personal opinion about anything. Because I'd rather be lonely forever, then have a job that I despise, not be able to make my own choices, and not be able to think.

Listen up, Ladies: You have a CHOICE in life. You can accept being degraded and not being a complete person. Or you can be your own person. Your thinking is the biggest obstacle in becoming you. Or lack of thinking...in this case.

Shoes

One of my greatest faults in my personality is that I am constantly placing myself in other people's shoes.

A fault? How is that a fault?

I know, most of you think that being compassionate to others is a good trait. That trying to understand other people's lifestyles is a good trait.

And usually it would be that.

I empathize with the good guy. I empathize with the bad guy. This makes me conflicted IN EVERY ARGUMENT.

It gets rather annoying. I blame my parents. My father is conservative, my mother a liberal. Do not ask me how it worked. But it has. And they raised me. I don't vote for either party.

I vote though because I like my rights. A hundred years ago, I wouldn't be able to vote. So I am voting now.

Waste of a vote when I vote independent? It probably is. But I disagree with the two party system. I think we need different eyes. Eventually people are going to see that and vote independent with me. Maybe they will vote for me. Who knows?

There is no black and white to any issue. Any one who tells you differently has not looked close enough.

Hear me out: there is no right or wrong. I doubt there ever was.

I can see that. Forgive me for not choosing sides.

Cultural Eraser

Americans have been infamous for erasing other cultures.

Most of you know a brief history of the U.S., all of you should know that there were people here before the Europeans. All of you should know that we pushed them out of their land and destroyed cultures and families. Some people refer to this as the United States Holocaust.

Which, you know, it was.

I have said before that I believe it is possible to live together with diversity and with out conflict.

I know it was possible for them, too.

Right now I am taking an American Indian Literature class. And the professor always reminds us that our ancestors were not violent. This is reassuring.

It wasn't just with American Indians. And this isn't in the past.

Let's talk about American Indian Boarding schools. Those existed in the U.S. until the 1960s. Many of you probably do not know what those are. American Indian Boarding schools were a way to take the 'savage out of the Indian.' The U.S. government snatched children from their homes at young ages (earliest I heard of was 3 years old) and took them to boarding schools far away from their families.

These boarding schools were designed by a military individual. The students were uniformed and not allowed to speak their native language or practice those traditions. Because this went on for a century, many American Indian cultures traditions were erased. Even their languages has disappeared.

Is 1960s not soon enough for you?

Let's talk about the Somalis.

We have a chance to make our past mistakes that: past mistakes.

But people are too ignorant to notice that we are making the same mistakes all over again.

Most Somalis are Muslims and their religion requires them to pray 5 times a day, everyday. This seems to be a huge problem for everyone. This does not effect Christian Americans in any way, and it is only a disturbance when individuals try to stop Muslims from following their religious traditions.

Today, many Americans are trying to stop the ceremonies of other cultures. TODAY. This is not in the past. By stopping the ceremonies, the traditions of these cultures, these cultures will disappear.

I do not know why people are so affected by Muslims praying every day and five times a day thing. It doesn't effect me.

Locally, this is what is happening in my area. Muslims, some Americans, some Immigrants and some visiting, are getting prohibited from practicing their religion. I see no wrong in allowing individuals of the Muslim faith to pray.

Maybe I'm not seeing something. Is it really that wrong to allow 15 minutes maybe three times a school or work day for people to pray. If you think that it is unfair for the non-Christian workers, make it a break for everyone.

There is this argument that Christians don't recieve breaks for praying or religious activities.

Why are so many stores with limited hours on Sundays? Why do we have Christmas off? Why in the world is everything closed on Easter? Ahh, yes. Because of the Christians. Just because Christians are not receiving daily 'breaks' or accommodations does not mean Christians do not recieve anything.

Sadly Americans are not stopping at the United States. Many are going overseas as missionaries to try to 'change the world' as the 'hands of God'. I have no problem with education. I have no problem with Churches raising money to help 3rd World Countries. I do have a problem when people trying to convert anyone who isn't their religion. These people have cultures, religions and traditions. These people do not need our God. What they need is education about surviving, maybe english, maybe some training for jobs.

One of the United States biggest faults is what they did to American Indian cultures, and Irish American cultures, and Italian American cultures, Mexican American cultures, Chinese American Culture, and African American cultures.

Yes, it is just not one ethnicity we did this too, it was every ethnicity that 'Americans' came across.

We erased their culture. We erased everyone's culture. Making America seem cultureless and boring.

New Doors!

There is a famous statement that says 'when one door closes, another one opens for you'. I truly believe that this school year has been full of slamming doors, but with that, I have jumped through many more doorways.

I entered the doorway of feminism and have loved the hallways of doors I can enter. I plan to continue writing this summer and through out my undergraduate experience on this blog about what I find interesting in my day to day life.

Next year, I will be taking a great step towards my future. A wonderful opportunity opened up for me in the hallway of my job and I jumped for it. I applied to become a Social Justice Advocate with my Residential Life employment. I received it.

I entered the world as a Community Advisor as a scared but eager-to-learn student but I can confidently walk in to the job this summer and next year. Now I am entering yet another position with the same feeling. I know that this position will challenge me and through conquering it, I will become a better person.

I can not wait to share with the community of bloggers that read my blog about what I will be able to do and what I do do in this position. This has been truly a blessing to receive this experience and I plan to run with it. I have big plans for this position and big goals for my last year.