In Hopes that someone that needs this will read this

For one of my jobs at my university, I am planning with the Pride Community an "It Gets Better" video for our school. I am uberly excited for this experience as I know it will be a great one and get many people involved. But I also have a personal experience with this kind of tragedy.

This tragedy is one that affect GLBT youth at a much larger rate. It is suicide. Dan Savage created the "It Gets Better" project after a series of suicides of GLBT youth that thought after the harassment they received in schools that they did not have a life worth living.

Depression is something you do not understand until you have it. Until you go through it on a deep level. It's something you can not smile through. It is something that plagues you, haunts you on a daily, hourly, minutely basis. It's something I have struggled with ever since I can remember.

I never knew I would be this successful in college. I always thought I would have to become someone else. Someone popular or pretty or better. Someone with better self-esteem or a boyfriend or a girlfriend or someone that has lettered in every single thing they have tried (Which coincidentally is everything. You know the person I am talking about, every school has one of those people. ) I thought I had to become someone else in order to be happy.

I was harassed for my sexuality when I was younger. And it is something I tear up to this day about. It is something that I will never get over. And it is something I wish someone had stopped earlier. I wish the teacher that witnessed it, everyday, would have said something. I wish that more of my classmates asked me if I was okay with them calling me a "bra stuffing lesbian". More often, I wish that adults didn't tell me "they are just teasing you because they are jealous."

No, they weren't teasing me because they were jealous. They were teasing me, because they saw someone who was alone. Who was vulnerable. My personality, my looks, my breast size had nothing to do with why they teased me. They teased me because they thought it was fun and it was easy. Yes, there is probably more to why they teased me. But they chose to tease me because I was vulnerable, alone and no one stood up for me, including myself.

I don't ever remember asking them to stop. I don't ever remember myself telling the teacher to ask them to stop. This is something that I need to stress to the people who are feeling harassed, teased, bullied whatever. It is a horrible experience to go through. But you need to stand up to these people and tell them to stop. You need to be a self-advocate. Your best advocate is YOU. (side note: This shouldn't be so, others should stand up for you too. But people won't, they are scared, find courage and stand up for yourself. And others will stand behind you. I promise.)

My life didn't start getting better, once I got a boyfriend. It didn't start getting better once I lettered in everything I did. It didn't get better once I got friends. It didn't get better when I lost weight, when I got the job I wanted...It got better when I started taking care of myself and respecting myself enough for others to respect me.

It is gonna get better. A whole hell of a lot better. But be yourself and do what you want to do, and if that doesn't make you happy, do something else that does. This is your life. And it is not gonna get any better until you are happy with yourself, not your surroundings.

So please, figure out what makes you happy and try not to care what other people around you thinks or says. Because the only persons opinion that really matters is yours. Your opinion of yourself matters, and if you respect yourself and love yourself, the people around you that you want to hang out with will see that and respect you too.

It's not easy. It is going to be very hard. I'm not saying that you're not gonna struggle for a few weeks, months, or years. But don't worry, it's worth it.

My Search for the Dream Sugar Daddy...(or not)

Earlier this month I expressed my disgust with the members of the male sex who I have dated in the past. I know I share these concerns with plenty of other young women (and some men) who have had their hearts brokens and sometimes, dream shattered, at an end of a relationship or even during a relationship.

Me being my curious self started to examine what other kinds of relationships I could have with the male persuasion. Dating and romantic relationships are out for a short period of time until I decide there is a man that is worth the headache of a relationship.

Well obviously I, a woman, can be friends with members of the male sex. It has happened before and I have plenty of close guy friends. This raises a few issues however, because it seems like either one or sometimes both of us go in and out of attraction for one another. I do not have a guy friend that I have not had a 'crush' one at one point or another and I know I have some guy friends that have at least considered me attractive. And even if we both really like each other, I am no longer even considering dating a friend. Their friendship is more important than a romantic relationship.

So being friends with a guy definitely counts and is okay. You just have to learn how to deal with each other possibly falling in love with one another and not acting on it. =/

Then last night I came up with an idea of becoming a SUGAR BABY. You heard me. For a brief moment (or a few hours) HANNAH -a women's studies major and blooming feminist-considered getting a sugar daddy.

Don't ask me why I considered this a good idea. I mean, good lord, how do you even find one of those??!?!

I found the answer. ONLINE. No, seriously, there are sites that you can search for a male that will help you find your dream sugar daddy.

Okay, Okay. I am hoping to find a guy that may or may not be a celebrity or at least a celebrity look-a-like. A guy that would yes, respect that I am a gorgeous young lady but that I also have a brain.

Then I realized that I probably wouldn't find a guy like that there. And the dread is that maybe I won't have a partner anytime soon that respects me for both those things. In the first time in twenty years I finally see myself as beautiful and deserving of a loving healthy possibly romantic relationship. And although I am in no hurry to start finding that person, it would be nice to realize that people out there exist!

But for now, I am happy being single. Though I do look forward to the day that I can have a healthy and happy relationship that reflects the values I hold. And that person respects me for my values and respects my opinions.

(Note: Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are in a relationship that isn't healthy. Please, please, please, please, go to counseling together or seperate and try to make it healthy. Even end it. Everyone deserves a healthy relationship!!!)

Sex Advice

I have been getting a lot of good advice about (straight) sex lately.

"Keep the numbers low."

"Make sure you are ready to have sex."

"Wait until marriage..."

"Don't put your penis in crazy" (In this case, I would probably have to change the body part so it is applicable. )

But I'm having trouble figuring this advice out.

When people tell me to keep the numbers low, I know exactly what that means. Don't sleep around. But how low is low? Under 5, under 10, under 25? No one is willing to define it for me. Plus, when a person is begging you to have sex with them and you say: "I need to keep the numbers low." They say 'it's just a number.'

And I have no problem with gaining experience. Yes, you should keep it low so that you lower the risk of you spreading diseases or contracting them. But what's wrong with a girl having 10 partners? Or as many as she pleases or as little as she pleases. I don't see guys being told, make sure you have as SMALL AS NUMBER OF PARTNERS as you can. This is a sexist piece of advice.

Why is it sexist? Ask why it's important for you to keep your numbers down. Along with lowering the risk of STDs, they will also tell you that, "To make sure your future husband won't be disgusted at you." You never hear guys telling guys, "make sure that you don't sleep with a lot of girls....keep that number down."

If my future life partner cares how many guys or girls I have pleased in bed and gets disgusted at me for it, that person is not my life partner.

I'm not saying, sleep with everyone. I am not saying that at all. But make your own choice with who you sleep with. Don't concentrate on the numbers. Concentrate on what you want to do.

Make sure you are ready to have sex.

This one is a good piece of advice. But it has a lot of flaws to it.

If you would have asked me 8 years ago, what this means...I would have said: "To be ready to have sex means that you are ready for the consequences of having sex. The consequences are, having babies or getting a naughty disease."

And some adults view this the same way.

I no longer feel this way.

In fact, how does anyone know when they are ready? Do you get a card in the mail? Is it your maturity level? Is it the age of consent?

Which leads me to the next piece of advice, waiting until marriage.

This piece of advice is hard. And I applaud all who succeed and make this a reality. But is it too late for me?

I know I have made mistakes in the past, but it can't be too late for me to turn my ideas around?

I tried telling a guy that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. And he stared at me and laughed. Another guy completely disregarded it and kept trying to have sex anyway. Another guy told me it was stupid. Their basis: because I already had sex.

So now what? Am I just a piece of meat to every guy now? You can walk all over me because someone else already did? That isn't fair to you or me.

Now don't stick your penis in to crazy is a good solid piece of advice. Now in my case it's don't let crazy stick in to you.

Blunt but to the point.

In my experience, I have learned 4 rules you have to follow to have a healthy sex life. You can be married or unmarried for this advice. You can be straight or bi or gay or lesbian or pan or whatever. (you just might need to change the reasoning why this rule is important.)

1. Protection is always necessary.
2. Get tested.
3. Respect your partner!
4. Make your own choices

One is important if you do not want any diseases or unplanned pregnancies. Two is important, too, because accidents do happen. Make sure your partner gets tested too.

Three is one of my favorites. This means honest communication and you have to be open. Make sure your partner wants to have sex.

And four is my favorite.

Make sure your choices are your own. This will make sex both positive and enjoyable for you. If you feel like you need to do it, it's not your time to be having sex. If you feel like it is going against your morals even just a little, it's still not your time.

Follow these rules and you will be sure to have a sex positive lifestyle.

The Feminine Mystique

I've read only 100 pages of The Feminine Mystique...

Wow, just WOW.

That's my whole response. This book is way too intense. I'm a hundred pages in and I'm oh my gosh. Wow. Just amazed at this piece of non-fiction literature. I had to stop and update my blog because of the impact of it. Just wow.

Here's what I've concluded about my life in terms of this book:

1. I'm changing my last name. I'm tired of being my fathers daughter. He's a great dad and I love him, but I want to be my own person. My last name is my father's name. Not mine. I chose my grandmothers maiden name Rock, for I hope to be as strong as a rock with out my father. =] Like many women are in the 21st Century. This has been a thought in my brain since probably the day my grandma passed and in no way was this a light decision on my part. Changing my name because of marriage is something I have decided against long before this book, so I do not have to worry about changing it 'in a few years'.

2. Becoming my mother is not a bad thing. I mean, she waited to have my siblings and I, and with that, she did a great job raising us. She's still not done with raising us, either. Of course, there are many things I would do differently with my future children and with my life, but I love her and her good qualities are something I want in my life. She raised me to be a critical thinker and form my own views and opinions. I love her for that.

3. Reading the chapter "The Passionate Journey" really gave me some insight on the label 'feminist' and although I am hesitant to label myself as anything. I believe that becoming a true feminist outweighs the feminist stereotypes. I guess this is my way of saying "I'm a effing feminist, so get over it" to myself. Other people who dislike this new label I am giving myself will have to deal with their feelings about it on their own, it's not my problem.

4. Finally, these 100 pages really took away the guilt I've been having about some of the choices I want to make for my future. The reason why I've been trying to get done with my studies so quickly, and I've been hesitant to admit this to anyone even myself, is to have children sooner and to be financially independent with children. I, in no way, believe that being a mother will be complete fulfillment in my life, but I know that I want to become one. I do not know how but The Feminine Mystique really assured me that these goals for myself were okay to admit.

Well, this was extremely personal and I hope not too personal for you, my readers. I'm sure there will be more about this book when I finally finish it. As for now, enjoy these findings about my life.

Hi, I'm Hannah and I'm vegetarian!: Life Lessons on Acceptance

I've been in a wonderful mood to change my life for the better lately! At first it was just making sure I was a 100% student, Community Advisor and friend, but I've widened it to include making life changes about myself.

So since the only meat I eat was Salami and Chicken, I decided that it's time for me to finally become my 13-year-old self. I made the rash decision to become vegetarian. (I guess it wasn't really rash because I've been debating in my mind for the past 7 years!)

And much like everything else, I am excited for it!!! It seems lately I have been becoming the adult my 13 year old self has always wanted me to become.

Here is the time for labels, and if you are a regular reader you would know how much I dislike confining myself to those labels. (Read more here about that.)

Pretty much when I was 13, I wanted to be a hippy. Yep, a hippy. I had these great dreams of going to Vassar University in New York and majoring in women's studies. I wanted to love all and not care what others thought of me. I wanted to be a vegetarian, listen to cool music, write poetry and fight for the rights of women. And you know what, I wanted to be single, too.

Of course, life happened and by the time I was 16, I was far from believing in those ideals. I was far from accomplishing those goals I had set out for myself. I had a boyfriend, I considered myself a pro-life conservative and I wanted to be a business professional. I don't know how I changed so drastically...but I did.

Then I went to college, I entered college as a conservative women with a controlling boyfriend and no opinion on anything. After the first 3 weeks of college, I had dropped the controlling boyfriend and the conservative views and never looked back. My first year of college was very difficult for me, but I enjoyed every minute of it. I lost 15 pounds, I started working out and I really gained a healthy image of my body.

It wasn't until last semester that I told my business major good-bye and entered the world of women's studies. Lately, through this blog and my classes, I have been redefining who I am and what I want in life. I still don't know what I want to do after I graduate. The future is so uncertain for me, but right now, I am concentrating on making this an amazing experience. I am concentrated in the now.

Although I am not going to the college of my dreams or fighting injustices everyday in my life. I know my time will come. But I know is that 13-year-old Hannah would be proud. Note: The reason why I share this is that I think it is important to yourself and others to share how you metamorphed in to feminism. No story is the same!!! Sharing why or how you found feminism is important, feel free to share in the comment section! I want to know! I'm curious!