In Hopes that someone that needs this will read this

For one of my jobs at my university, I am planning with the Pride Community an "It Gets Better" video for our school. I am uberly excited for this experience as I know it will be a great one and get many people involved. But I also have a personal experience with this kind of tragedy.

This tragedy is one that affect GLBT youth at a much larger rate. It is suicide. Dan Savage created the "It Gets Better" project after a series of suicides of GLBT youth that thought after the harassment they received in schools that they did not have a life worth living.

Depression is something you do not understand until you have it. Until you go through it on a deep level. It's something you can not smile through. It is something that plagues you, haunts you on a daily, hourly, minutely basis. It's something I have struggled with ever since I can remember.

I never knew I would be this successful in college. I always thought I would have to become someone else. Someone popular or pretty or better. Someone with better self-esteem or a boyfriend or a girlfriend or someone that has lettered in every single thing they have tried (Which coincidentally is everything. You know the person I am talking about, every school has one of those people. ) I thought I had to become someone else in order to be happy.

I was harassed for my sexuality when I was younger. And it is something I tear up to this day about. It is something that I will never get over. And it is something I wish someone had stopped earlier. I wish the teacher that witnessed it, everyday, would have said something. I wish that more of my classmates asked me if I was okay with them calling me a "bra stuffing lesbian". More often, I wish that adults didn't tell me "they are just teasing you because they are jealous."

No, they weren't teasing me because they were jealous. They were teasing me, because they saw someone who was alone. Who was vulnerable. My personality, my looks, my breast size had nothing to do with why they teased me. They teased me because they thought it was fun and it was easy. Yes, there is probably more to why they teased me. But they chose to tease me because I was vulnerable, alone and no one stood up for me, including myself.

I don't ever remember asking them to stop. I don't ever remember myself telling the teacher to ask them to stop. This is something that I need to stress to the people who are feeling harassed, teased, bullied whatever. It is a horrible experience to go through. But you need to stand up to these people and tell them to stop. You need to be a self-advocate. Your best advocate is YOU. (side note: This shouldn't be so, others should stand up for you too. But people won't, they are scared, find courage and stand up for yourself. And others will stand behind you. I promise.)

My life didn't start getting better, once I got a boyfriend. It didn't start getting better once I lettered in everything I did. It didn't get better once I got friends. It didn't get better when I lost weight, when I got the job I wanted...It got better when I started taking care of myself and respecting myself enough for others to respect me.

It is gonna get better. A whole hell of a lot better. But be yourself and do what you want to do, and if that doesn't make you happy, do something else that does. This is your life. And it is not gonna get any better until you are happy with yourself, not your surroundings.

So please, figure out what makes you happy and try not to care what other people around you thinks or says. Because the only persons opinion that really matters is yours. Your opinion of yourself matters, and if you respect yourself and love yourself, the people around you that you want to hang out with will see that and respect you too.

It's not easy. It is going to be very hard. I'm not saying that you're not gonna struggle for a few weeks, months, or years. But don't worry, it's worth it.

So how do you REALLY know?

I watched "The Big Gay Musical"(2009) with one of my close friends recently. Good movie, though it mainly focused on gay men instead of the queer community.

It seems that gay men are representated fairly accurately in popular culture. With a few exceptions of course. The film really spoke to a lot of people trying to date in this time period. A lot of people want hookups as opposed to relationships at my age and I know that is hard for a lot of my friends.



It's on Netflix instant play, and it is definitely something you might want to check out. Especially if you are tired of dating/hooking-up/whatever.

But I wanted to raise a good question about movies that show lesbians. I call the media representation of lesbians as 'part-time'. Most of the lesbians that have been shown on movies are extrememly lipstick (feminine), going through a midlife crisis, or psycho. And although it makes a great movie and plot, it also harms the lesbian population. It makes it seem that lesbianism is a phase for women or a part-time sexuality that can be changed if they met a nice man. There is certainly a representation like this in movies for gay men, however, it is not as prominent as men are usually trusted to make their own decisions!

Women, however, are not. "You just haven't met the right guy" the movie goes, and focuses on the women exploring her sexuality but at the end settling for the perfect man. It's like the media finds women inadequate to make their own decisions!


Take a look at a popular movie and play "Rent"(2005). Now the representation for the gay couple is fairly accurate, but the lesbian couple is insecure of their feelings for each other. Maureen, played by Idina Menzel, who is a 'new' lesbian but also a lesbian that flirts with other woman. Her partner Joanne, played by Tracie Thoms, asks her to be exclusive and Maureen agrees only to let Joanne down by flirting with another women. None of Maureens friends seem to believe that her feelings are real for Joanne, just another Maureen phase. Maureen herself seems to believe that Joanne is just another lover to add to her list. Nothing special.


Another movie I watched is "Chloe" (2009), Julianne Moore stars as Catherine a respectable doctor and wife who believes that her husband is cheating on her with his young college students. She hires Chloe, who is played by Amanda Seyfried, to try and seduce her husband to see if he is actually cheating. Chloe and Catherine end up having a sexual relationship and Catherine thinks it is just an affair or a phase. The movie ends with Chloe wanting a relationship with Catherine and doing anything to get it. It is like the movie producers do not trust the characters with their sexuality. Catherine is just going through a midlife crisis and Chloe is a young women who is very crazy.

When men come out in movies or television shows, it is usually accepted through 'looked down upon'. For example, take a look at the show 'Will and Grace', during the flashbacks when Will came out, no one questioned him or told him that 'he didn't meet the right woman'. Jack, who is obviously more flamboyant, was not questioned either.(At least in the episodes I remember) Men are trusted that they know their sexuality, women are not.

"But I'm a Cheerleader" (1999) is another movie that stars a lesbian and it is puzzling to me. The main character, Megan, does not believe she is a lesbian. Her family and friends force her to 'come out' and then send her to a camp to train her to be straight. Of course, she discovers she truly is gay at the end and runs away with her new girlfriend. Which is great that it ends happily and all, but I can't help but think that no one believed her when she said 'I'm not lesbian', do you not trust her to know her own sexuality? In this case, her friends and family ended up being right, but what if they weren't?

Whether you think you are straight, gay, bisexual, transgender, or lesbian---I do not think anyone should be questioned: "are you sure?" "isn't that like a phase?" "are you just sick of dating men/women?" People should trust you to know you and if 'you' change your mind, it's because you are human, not because you are a women.

Media representations of lesbians need to change. They need to start showing lesbians who are confident about their sexuality and their relationships. 'Normal' people who are just trying to get by in this world and love who they want to. Lesbianism is not a phase for all women, it is not something for straight men to watch and think it is hot, it is not a disorder. Women need to be trusted to make their own decisions about their life and this is one of those decisions: who to love. Sexuality does fluctate with some people, but I wish that people would just accept others as who they are.

Men On Mondays!!!: Even More New Perspectives

For missing my first class today, I feel as though my brain is exploding with knowledge right now. I can barely keep it in with out crying.

What has caused this brain input right now, let's see if I can get this down right now so I do not forgot this knowledge overload.

I went to my second class today burning with anger that I missed my first one. But what I learned in my second class was reason enough to be trembling.

My professor is one who could speak for hours in front of me and I would sit there in awe. Every class he gives me something to think about in terms of my life that really just makes my life---real.

What we looked at in class today was the amazing (and I mean, amazing) structures that our ancestors created. Creations like Macchu Picchu and Cahokia, just seriously google image the structures and I get sick to my stomach about not only the beauty of it but the brillance.

He refers to all historical people as 'our ancestors' and I love that he has done that. I decided that I will refer to all people as my ancestors and my family from now on. How can I hate someone that is a part of me? Answer: I can't. By referring to other people as your family, you are recognizing that they are an equal and that they are respected and most of all that they are loved.

This family belief: that all people are family reminds me of the first piece of advice that "101 ways to stop Prejudice" booklet tells you to do, which is "learn and share about your heritage."

So here I am just sitting in awe at the creation of this wonderful, magnificant structures and the brilliant professor. With the first piece of advice looming in my head about ways to end prejudice...(because of course I read that packet on our break from class...) And I can not wrap my head around this amazing, chilling beauty I just saw. There is no words to describe how I felt then and there, and even now. Besides to say that I had and have goosebumps thinking about it.

So I leave class and head to work, where I was determined to be productive. But of course, no such thing happens because upon reading my online class discussions, I am chilled at another thought...

For class, we had to read "How men have (a) sex" by John Stoltenberg. Which is a very good essay and I highly recommend it to anyone who is researching gender and sex issues or anyone who is interested. But what was more breaking was how Stoltenberg chooses to live his life as a radical feminist.

First of all, John Stoltenberg identifies as a feminist. I have mentioned before that I know about the controversy of the disagreement on whether men can be feminists or not. I believe in self-identification above the views of others. And if he claims he is a feminist and is doing good work in the name of feminist. I shall call him what he believes himself to be.

Second of all, Stoltenberg is an anti-porngraphy activist. Porn is something that I am still on the fence about, especially because modern porn is degrading and harmful for the women that are participating in it. (More on my stance, here.)

And third of all, Stoltenberg identifies as a gay individual. Yet he lived with a woman named Andrea Dworkin for 31 years as a life-partner. His ideas of sexuality and gender are ground breaking and he chooses to live his life despite society's norms and beliefs about it.

My sexuality and my gender identity is something that I have quietly struggled with for years.(You can read more about part of my struggle in a letter I wrote to the Star Tribune after my graduation, here.)Only a few friends and family members know about this struggle and some still do not know about the extent I have struggled with it.

...and I tell you, my readers, this, not for sympathy, but just to understand why exactly Stoltenbergs life and belief speak to me so closely.

But I am in awe that someone can live life free of gender constraints and the conformity of sex. It seems he did that quite successfully and in a loving relationship none the less.

I have been throwing around an issue lately, in my head, about my own life and my relationships. Can relationships, somewhatromantic, go with out a sexual relationship? Society tells us no. Not at all. But I believe otherwise. I believe that at certain point in your life, you need different kinds of love. Mostly everyone can say that they love their mother (or they did at one point in their life) and at one point in everyone's life, they needed her. And something that I have gone with out most of my life is a love of a true friend, which I believe that everyone needs a 'romantic' friendship through out their whole life. And finally, it's a societal myth that twopeople are going to fall in love and live happily ever after, with out any one's elses love or support. (Love and support are one in the same, another belief, you can not love someone with out supporting them and you can not support someone with out loving them.)

This is something, an idea of love, that I have been throwing around in my head for months now. I have not been able to fully articulate it. And I doubt that now, I have successfully done so. But it seems, at least surfacely that John Stoltenberg believes and lives this too.

So overview, I decided to honor two men that only recently entered my life but helped me articulate what I have been trying to define for months, maybe even years. One is a professor and another is John Stoltenberg. These two men are helpful to both the feminist movement and my own movement. And I am grateful for their work.

Ashamed of Living in this State

I grew up in the greatest state in the United States.

The greatest state until last night, of course.

We think everything is so black and white, democrat and republican, we ignore that their is a lot of grey areas in every issue.

What am I talking about? If you must ask, you should be reading the newspaper.

I'll tell you anyway. Minnesota (my beloved home state) passed an amendment to make marriage between a man and a woman. I can no longer call this my beloved state because I am ashamed of living here. Of being in a state that encourages such definition.

I'm not gonna pretend to know about what is gonna happen. My friends say I can vote no on it in the elections. I will vote no. I will. I will. I will. I don't know much about politics and I vote independent because I see the grey areas in all issues, not the black and white politics. Some say this is a waste of a vote. But I sleep better at not knowing that I didn't vote for the people who make the hateful laws.

I like all people I meet. Yes, I do. In some ways even the most negative encounter I have experienced has made me a better person and I am grateful for that person for helping me become the best person I can be.

And I love my gays. I love my straights. I love my closeted and uncloseted friends.

Here is my video reaction to the amendment. I thought it was suiting that I would have it on my first youtube video. =]

Even after this horrible amendment was passed to the next stage, I still believe that all people are good. Don't get me wrong.

Men On Mondays && The LGBT community

Mondays are the days that I recognized Males that help further the feminist causes. I just wanted to take time to thank the male-identified individuals of the LGBT community.

Before I went to college, I knew of a few homosexual males. I never actually got to know any. From the moment I stepped out of the bus after graduation, I have come across more and more male-identifying individuals from the LGBT community. They have helped me grow as a person and I appreciate all of what these individuals have done for me over the past-almost-two years. (Wink Wink- you know who you are.)

It is really important to help all causes, whether it is in your group or not. I feel that people with different sexualities than myself, different genders than myself should have equal access to healthcare, job opportunities, education, life choices, whatever. This is the same for different races than myself, different ethnicities than myself.

There are people being discriminated against for their sexuality. Whether or not they are a woman, I do not care. I believe in the golden rule and reciprocity. Maybe if I help them, they will help fight for women's issues. At least, in the perfect world, they would support the causes I fight for if I support the causes they fight for.

So here's for the men in the LGBT community who support feminist causes!! Inclusiveness and collaboration is what is going to get our issues heard!

(And a small shout out for the women-identified individuals in the LGBT community, you are heard! You are not forgotten and you are loved! )

Men On Mondays: "Boys Don't Cry"

I recently watched a film while visiting my sister called "Boys Don't Cry." I thought it was an amazing film. Imagine my surprise when I found out it was based on a true story!

The film follows Brandon Teena, who is a female to male straight man (pre-surgery). She is respectfully played by Hilary Swank. Since I was watching it with my sister and her friends, they couldn't accept the fact that everyone in the movie believed that she was a 'real' man.

I feel like the Transsexual movement is very, very ignored. There is nothing psychologically wrong, they aren't horrible people and so on! There 'was definitely nothing psychologically wrong with the character of Brandon Teena, which my sisters friends could not accept either. I am not a Transsexual person, so I do not personally understand their struggle. But I do consider myself an ally to that movement and have been trying to learn more about this 'misunderstood' movement.