Can I be a Feminist?

I hear so many feminists telling other feminists that they can not be a feminist for xyz reasons.

This is not going to help us receive equality. We need to stick together. Even if you disagree with some of their lifestyle choices, personality, whatever.

Anti-feminists are counting on us to screw up and divide our input.

If you meet someone who is trying to help the equality movement, but is a pro-life supporter...It's hard to turn away, it's hard not to point out that you think they are being a hypocrite.

I emphasize choice.

I want to be able to give women the choice to vote, or not. I want to give women the choice to have children, or not. To have the choice to get an education, or not. To be straight, or not.

I want to give everyone this choice, man or woman, black, white, asian, native american, latina/o, even ability.

You can call yourself a feminist if you believe you are one. You will be welcomed by me, as long as you are not trying to stop other individuals of receiving the rights you have as well.

So you meet a pro-life feminist. It seems like an oxymoron, you hear nails on a chalkboard in the background, it hurts so much to not say anything.

Ask them in a polite way why they are pro-life; respect their answer. Ask them to respect your own opinion as well.

And move on, to fight for the rights all born individuals.

Men On Mondays!!!: Even More New Perspectives

For missing my first class today, I feel as though my brain is exploding with knowledge right now. I can barely keep it in with out crying.

What has caused this brain input right now, let's see if I can get this down right now so I do not forgot this knowledge overload.

I went to my second class today burning with anger that I missed my first one. But what I learned in my second class was reason enough to be trembling.

My professor is one who could speak for hours in front of me and I would sit there in awe. Every class he gives me something to think about in terms of my life that really just makes my life---real.

What we looked at in class today was the amazing (and I mean, amazing) structures that our ancestors created. Creations like Macchu Picchu and Cahokia, just seriously google image the structures and I get sick to my stomach about not only the beauty of it but the brillance.

He refers to all historical people as 'our ancestors' and I love that he has done that. I decided that I will refer to all people as my ancestors and my family from now on. How can I hate someone that is a part of me? Answer: I can't. By referring to other people as your family, you are recognizing that they are an equal and that they are respected and most of all that they are loved.

This family belief: that all people are family reminds me of the first piece of advice that "101 ways to stop Prejudice" booklet tells you to do, which is "learn and share about your heritage."

So here I am just sitting in awe at the creation of this wonderful, magnificant structures and the brilliant professor. With the first piece of advice looming in my head about ways to end prejudice...(because of course I read that packet on our break from class...) And I can not wrap my head around this amazing, chilling beauty I just saw. There is no words to describe how I felt then and there, and even now. Besides to say that I had and have goosebumps thinking about it.

So I leave class and head to work, where I was determined to be productive. But of course, no such thing happens because upon reading my online class discussions, I am chilled at another thought...

For class, we had to read "How men have (a) sex" by John Stoltenberg. Which is a very good essay and I highly recommend it to anyone who is researching gender and sex issues or anyone who is interested. But what was more breaking was how Stoltenberg chooses to live his life as a radical feminist.

First of all, John Stoltenberg identifies as a feminist. I have mentioned before that I know about the controversy of the disagreement on whether men can be feminists or not. I believe in self-identification above the views of others. And if he claims he is a feminist and is doing good work in the name of feminist. I shall call him what he believes himself to be.

Second of all, Stoltenberg is an anti-porngraphy activist. Porn is something that I am still on the fence about, especially because modern porn is degrading and harmful for the women that are participating in it. (More on my stance, here.)

And third of all, Stoltenberg identifies as a gay individual. Yet he lived with a woman named Andrea Dworkin for 31 years as a life-partner. His ideas of sexuality and gender are ground breaking and he chooses to live his life despite society's norms and beliefs about it.

My sexuality and my gender identity is something that I have quietly struggled with for years.(You can read more about part of my struggle in a letter I wrote to the Star Tribune after my graduation, here.)Only a few friends and family members know about this struggle and some still do not know about the extent I have struggled with it.

...and I tell you, my readers, this, not for sympathy, but just to understand why exactly Stoltenbergs life and belief speak to me so closely.

But I am in awe that someone can live life free of gender constraints and the conformity of sex. It seems he did that quite successfully and in a loving relationship none the less.

I have been throwing around an issue lately, in my head, about my own life and my relationships. Can relationships, somewhatromantic, go with out a sexual relationship? Society tells us no. Not at all. But I believe otherwise. I believe that at certain point in your life, you need different kinds of love. Mostly everyone can say that they love their mother (or they did at one point in their life) and at one point in everyone's life, they needed her. And something that I have gone with out most of my life is a love of a true friend, which I believe that everyone needs a 'romantic' friendship through out their whole life. And finally, it's a societal myth that twopeople are going to fall in love and live happily ever after, with out any one's elses love or support. (Love and support are one in the same, another belief, you can not love someone with out supporting them and you can not support someone with out loving them.)

This is something, an idea of love, that I have been throwing around in my head for months now. I have not been able to fully articulate it. And I doubt that now, I have successfully done so. But it seems, at least surfacely that John Stoltenberg believes and lives this too.

So overview, I decided to honor two men that only recently entered my life but helped me articulate what I have been trying to define for months, maybe even years. One is a professor and another is John Stoltenberg. These two men are helpful to both the feminist movement and my own movement. And I am grateful for their work.

Movies && Pregnancy

I am moving away from porn today and on to 'real' hollywood movies.

I have been using my mom's netflix account to watch movies lately. (Thanks, Mom!) I've been watching a few movies that have to deal with woman and their reproductive system. In other words, these women are normally preggo. Since some women choose to have children, I thought this would be interesting to share what I thought of these movies in a slightly feminist perspective.

Baby on Board
I started with a movie called "Baby on Board". I know, I know, I should have known it was going to be bad from that title, but I wanted to give it a chance. The movie was hands down a waste of my time.

Even though the writers tried to make Heather Graham's character a career woman, she was far from one. She stated she put her career first over her personal life, but the movie showed her constantly having to put her career on the backburner for her husband. Typical.

Her marriage, which was described as "perfect" in the description, was a trainwreck from the beginning. The relationship between her and her husband is immature, not developed and lacks adult communication.(I hated the fact that the husband 'forgot' to put on protection while they were having sexy time. Not cool. Divorce him. )

Frankly, I thought they had spent more time on Graham's hair then the writing of the script. And even though the movie is supposed to be about Graham's characters pregnancy, they spent more time on the husbands law partner extramartial concerns.

The People I've Slept With
I thought I would be more impressed with 'The People I've Slept With' then 'Baby On Board' and although it was a 'more feminist movie'. I do have some concerns.

The main character is Asian American and very independent on her own. When she finds out she is expecting, her decision to keep the baby is because her sister told her 'she's getting old and someday it will be harder to conceive'. She works for an art store and is an aspiring artist.

I didn't understand why she was so concerned with finding a 'husband'. She seemed fine on her own and did not buy in to a lot of the crap her older sister was feeding her. It did not seem to me that her father and sister and friends would let her and her child on their own. Which made me think that her search to find a husband was just a plot for the film. It was unbelievable, so to say.

BUT after you get through the 1950s themed part of the movie, it ended in a feminist, modern way. And it was always focused on her choices and conflicts, not the rest of the people around her.

Women In Trouble
If you want to see women sexualized, degraded and in stereotypical roles and relationships- this is the movie for you. It minimizes woman's issues and leaves most of the issues unresolved. There is a few funny lines in this movie, because most of the women are perceived to be unintelligent. For example: "No one thinks it can happen to them, but anyone could get a Ph.D. Make sure you get tested twice a year."

Barry Munday
The last movie that was about modern day pregnancy was 'Barry Munday'. Although this focused on a man's viewpoint, I think this was the best movie I've seen in a long time. Since it started with Barry getting punished for being a womanizer, I felt like that was an extreme way to forgive Barry's womanzing behaviors.

The movie was really sweet. But it's sad to think that a guy has to lose his 'balls' in order to be a respectful and decent man.

What am I trying to get at in this post?

These movies are about an extremely personal issue that affects women. But yet, you can sense, or know, a male presence in all of these women's lives. And I'm not saying that woman should be selfish and make it all about them, but shouldn't there be more women perspectives about this issue in movies?

I'm just a little sick of watching movies, thinking that they are going to be about real life women and hearing offensive sexist remarks, watching stereotypical characters and finding a male-centered cast. Way to put us women in our place, Hollywood.

The Feminist Label

Upon looking at a definition on urbandictionary.com: I found that the word Feminist is considered a "radical" opinion. But that was just the first opinion, on scrolling down, I find out that some writers have more realistic definitions of a feminist. Which made me very happy.

I don't go a day with out someone calling me a feminist. And maybe, in their own world of definitions I am. According to most dictionaries, a feminist is someone who advocates for the rights of women. Sure, I try to do that, but in case and case, I don't consider myself one.

And it's not because I am against feminism, or the rights of women. It's because labels, to me, confine people to acting a certain way. It's because labels also make people a "spokesperson" so to speak on that subject. And that last one, is why I am not going to call myself a feminist.