For missing my first class today, I feel as though my brain is exploding with knowledge right now. I can barely keep it in with out crying.
What has caused this brain input right now, let's see if I can get this down right now so I do not forgot this knowledge overload.
I went to my second class today burning with anger that I missed my first one. But what I learned in my second class was reason enough to be trembling.
My professor is one who could speak for hours in front of me and I would sit there in awe. Every class he gives me something to think about in terms of my life that really just makes my life---real.
What we looked at in class today was the amazing (and I mean, amazing) structures that our ancestors created. Creations like Macchu Picchu and Cahokia, just seriously google image the structures and I get sick to my stomach about not only the beauty of it but the brillance.
He refers to all historical people as 'our ancestors' and I love that he has done that. I decided that I will refer to all people as my ancestors and my family from now on. How can I hate someone that is a part of me? Answer: I can't. By referring to other people as your family, you are recognizing that they are an equal and that they are respected and most of all that they are loved.
This family belief: that all people are family reminds me of the first piece of advice that "101 ways to stop Prejudice" booklet tells you to do, which is "learn and share about your heritage."
So here I am just sitting in awe at the creation of this wonderful, magnificant structures and the brilliant professor. With the first piece of advice looming in my head about ways to end prejudice...(because of course I read that packet on our break from class...) And I can not wrap my head around this amazing, chilling beauty I just saw. There is no words to describe how I felt then and there, and even now. Besides to say that I had and have goosebumps thinking about it.
So I leave class and head to work, where I was determined to be productive. But of course, no such thing happens because upon reading my online class discussions, I am chilled at another thought...
For class, we had to read "How men have (a) sex" by John Stoltenberg. Which is a very good essay and I highly recommend it to anyone who is researching gender and sex issues or anyone who is interested. But what was more breaking was how Stoltenberg chooses to live his life as a radical feminist.
First of all, John Stoltenberg identifies as a feminist. I have mentioned before that I know about the controversy of the disagreement on whether men can be feminists or not. I believe in self-identification above the views of others. And if he claims he is a feminist and is doing good work in the name of feminist. I shall call him what he believes himself to be.
Second of all, Stoltenberg is an anti-porngraphy activist. Porn is something that I am still on the fence about, especially because modern porn is degrading and harmful for the women that are participating in it. (More on my stance, here.)
And third of all, Stoltenberg identifies as a gay individual. Yet he lived with a woman named Andrea Dworkin for 31 years as a life-partner. His ideas of sexuality and gender are ground breaking and he chooses to live his life despite society's norms and beliefs about it.
My sexuality and my gender identity is something that I have quietly struggled with for years.(You can read more about part of my struggle in a letter I wrote to the Star Tribune after my graduation, here.)Only a few friends and family members know about this struggle and some still do not know about the extent I have struggled with it.
...and I tell you, my readers, this, not for sympathy, but just to understand why exactly Stoltenbergs life and belief speak to me so closely.
But I am in awe that someone can live life free of gender constraints and the conformity of sex. It seems he did that quite successfully and in a loving relationship none the less.
I have been throwing around an issue lately, in my head, about my own life and my relationships. Can relationships, somewhatromantic, go with out a sexual relationship? Society tells us no. Not at all. But I believe otherwise. I believe that at certain point in your life, you need different kinds of love. Mostly everyone can say that they love their mother (or they did at one point in their life) and at one point in everyone's life, they needed her. And something that I have gone with out most of my life is a love of a true friend, which I believe that everyone needs a 'romantic' friendship through out their whole life. And finally, it's a societal myth that twopeople are going to fall in love and live happily ever after, with out any one's elses love or support. (Love and support are one in the same, another belief, you can not love someone with out supporting them and you can not support someone with out loving them.)
This is something, an idea of love, that I have been throwing around in my head for months now. I have not been able to fully articulate it. And I doubt that now, I have successfully done so. But it seems, at least surfacely that John Stoltenberg believes and lives this too.
So overview, I decided to honor two men that only recently entered my life but helped me articulate what I have been trying to define for months, maybe even years. One is a professor and another is John Stoltenberg. These two men are helpful to both the feminist movement and my own movement. And I am grateful for their work.
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