Acceptance & Apology Affirmation

Yesterday, I reached a point of maturation that I have never realized before:

I'm tired of hating all that have done wrong to me in the past. I certainly do not need an apology from a person to get over x, y and z or at least move on or be okay with what happened. I do not need this big stand on head circus and a jet writing my name on the sky to be okay.

Of course, that's all welcomed. And if you think you owe me an apology, I am not saying do not apologize. But let's look at what I just said "if you think you owe me an apology". That apology seems to be your issue, not mine. There is one more you than me in that fragment.

Part of the apology is for the victim, but part of the apology is for the person making it. The victim was wronged, yes. But no 'I'm sorry' is going to take away the pain that person felt and might continue to feel. It's possible that the victim will be relieved that they heard it. The victim will feel better knowing that the 'offender' knows what s/he did hurt them and that is a great feeling to have.

But an apology will not take back what happened.

Things happen, the world changes and people change with it.

I know that a lot of the world is looking for an apology from some person or another. And I know that a lot of people just won't get it. What will change if a person that hurts you says 'I'm sorry'?

I know that I will greet all my offenders, whether they apologized or understood how much pain they caused me in a decent, somewhat friendly matter. I have said what I have needed to say to them, I have tried to make them understand my pain and I hope that they do not return to the same behaviors with other people.

My offenders will no longer hurt me. But those memories will. An apology will not take away the pain. And hating them will consume you.

So as I was sliding across the concrete yesterday on my rollerblades and 'biffed it' going down a hill. I remembered one thing, that I was finally okay with what my past gave me to work with. Because those experiences made me the person I am today: an honest, blunt, blooming feminist with a lot of passion to give to others. I do not need an apology from anyone to live my life the way I want to.

Because Science told me so...

Last summer, I took a biology course on Women. Which means I took a biology course on reproduction.

This three week class was the one of the final pulls towards declaring a Women's Studies major. (After that class I signed up for Introduction to Women's Studies and the rest is history.) What I learned in that class was more than just science, it was life.

Let me explain. Reproduction is how everyone came to be. Even the test tube babies. That's life.

We're all little miracles! YAY!!!

You know what else is a miracle: being a sex. Do you know how easy it is to have genetics mess up and you get born with testes and ovaries? Or a penis but no scrotum? It's more common then you think.

Some research says that 1 in 100 births belong to the intersex group. I'm serious. I've seen lower stats too. But that is the one that I have read the most often, in several sources.

Intersexuality intrigues people. Part of this is because we do not learn about it until college (hello? I was 19 before I learned about this?). Some intersex people may not find out about their own intersex until they are older. (It's not all on the outside, folks.)

[Photo Reference: Eph-B-CABOT-Variety-1938-01]


I'm taking a class called Sociology of Sexuality this summer. Now sex is my favorite thing to talk about and I am blunt about it. I knew this class was going to interest me and challenge me and educate me and that is why I decided to take it.

A few posts ago I realized I was getting more and more personal with my blog posts. This blog is not about my personal life. Although I have experiences that I feel I need to share, I want to do it to add to a professional conversation. Those posts, always has a professional background. Always.

Some people have told me in more polite ways: to shut up about sexuality and my experiences. That it is not appropriate to talk about this subject or that subject in that environment.

But that is what we need to do! We need to talk about our experiences!!! Why? Because experiencing sexuality is NORMAL. No matter who you are.

Intersex people for decades had corrective surgeries since birth to try and make them one sex or the other. Usually it was the doctor that made those decisions to have the surgery. And for decades, children were lied to and growing up with the idea that they were born a certain sex.

Anne Fausto-Sterling wrote 'The Fives Sexes: why male and female are not enough' to address these issues.

She says that their aren't really only 2 sexes, there are FIVE. Is your mind blown? Mine is. We see our lifes in binary ways, we are taught that since birth. Maybe even before birth. Black can only be black, white can only be white. But we don't just have two colors, we have so many more.

In my American Indian Literature class, I learned about the idea of a Medicine Wheel. The medicine wheel was a circle that tried to include more than just two categories of anything. The medicine wheel encompasses all people, all things. It's not a melting pot either, it is a inclusive symbol that wanted to include cultures, not erase them.

This 5 sex thing is slowly making it's way to becoming that medicine wheel. It's trying to make people understand that there is a 50/50 chance that you become a boy or a girl. There is more in to development than that.

Your sex does not end when you are given a X or Y chromosome from sperm. That's just the beginning of sex. And it doesn't end when you are born. (Do you know that some people don't just have XY or XX. They may have XXY, or XYY or YY...it happens...)

Michel Foucault and Judith Butler are researchers about sexuality. And in one of my readings I did for my Sociology class they stated that even sex is created. Just like gender is.

Yes, it is created to organize and categorize the world.

Last summer I learned that sex is what you were born with and gender is the traits that society gives that sex....and this summer, I learn that even sex is a creation of the society we live in.

So I am as confused as you are right now. But it makes sense.

Why else do we not have language for something that happens in 1 in 100 births? That we only have 2 pronouns for female and male. Even though....intersex happens.

It's because the society a long long long time ago decided that it didn't. Decided that if you were, you had to choose the two options.

So relying on biology, they say that your sex is natural. That you have a sex. They created sex through biology. And since it is science, people believe it.

Well, they forget to mention, or they didn't have the resources we do now or even 50 years ago, to prove that the idea of 2 sexes really isn't right.

So when people tell me that science is always right. I say...."uhhhh no."

Who knows in 50 years people could be telling me that my skin is an organ? Oh wait, they do. Or they could tell me that pluto isn't a planet? Oh wait, they do. Or that the earth is round? Shiz, that's what they do.

So what did I learn today?

Science isn't always right, but it is getting better.

(I wrote on issues like this one before, you can find it here.)

The Best Thing College Has Given To Me

Wow. I seem to be in a blogging mood lately.

I definitely would recommend people to be as involved in college as you can, and speaking from experience, this is not hard to do.

Of course, it means many late nights and less time for studying but overall it is a great feeling when you finish a semester with a high GPA and many fond memories.

But that is not why I am blogging today.

I went through high school with a small amount of friends that I spoke to between and in classes, but after school was out, we rarely hung out. I was not given the social support I needed from my friendships and I turned to a romantic relationship I said. This relationship was unstable and unhealthy as I turned to this individual for all my support.

Please note that this is not a post designed to hurt the individual I dated for almost three years of my life though it may come off so. This is a post to reflect what *I* have learned from it. I burdened this individual emotionally and I have come to accept that I maybe placed too much responsiblity of my happiness in his hands for an average human being to deal with.

I have spent almost two years reflecting and growing over the subject of my romantic life. Joining these student organizations has helped me in so many ways, but one of the most, it has given me support beyond belief.

I am now able to recognize the signs of an unhealthy behavior and stop it before it becomes too harmful for myself. Although I have been single for the majority of these last two years, I have been more happier than I was in a relationship. I have had healthy relationships since then and although most of them ended, I did not feel like I needed another one to survive.

I depended on my ex to survive emotionally. This individual broke up with me for a short time in February of my senior year and I felt completely alone. More than alone. I thought this was a sign of true love, but now I realize it was a sign of dependency.

I recognize this dependency in other woman around me. We are social beings and we need social support. A romantic relationship is one way of getting that support. Notice I said one way.

When I started college, I wanted to have friends to hang out with. And I wanted to include my significant other on this journey. I realized quickly that this wasn't going to happen. I remember realizing this and instead of feeling devastated as I was at the last break up, I was relieved.

Even though my friendships were still developing at this point, I knew I had the support I needed to end the relationship. So I did.

I have never regretted this decision.

Some of those friendships I turned to for support at this time have ended. This is sad. I do not think I have thanked them for being there when I needed them. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For the ones that were there and continue to be there for me, thank you as well. These people mean so much to me, even though some of us are no longer friends.

But the biggest support I received was from the organizations I was involved with the past few years. Of course, this is where I maintained and formed many friendships, both temporary and longer lasting. And this is why I encourage all the students I come across to be as involved as you want to be.

As I approach my last year in my undergraduate education, I am realizing for the first time in my life I am making decisions for myself.

Two years ago when I made the decision to go to this insitution, it was not for me, it was for the relationship. When I was debating whether or not to join the Marines, I barely even considered it because of the views of my partner. But now, I decided against the Peace Corps option with out any input of anyone else.

I wouldn't be able to be independent with out the support of so many individuals around me. That seems like an oxymoron but trust me, it's not possible to be independent with out people around you.

What's the best thing College has given me? Support wins by a large landslide.

And I decided to change my major on an epiphany-like-rush, but something that being a Women's Studies major taught me early on is that in order to receive change in society you must support all others around you. Then as you are supporting others, they support you and change is quicker and a more positive thing.

This. Is. Serious.

While blogging on my tumblr (which I have recently deleted), I saw a picture making a joke about suicide.

I was aghast with fear that someone would joke about something that serious. The caption was "everyone has bad days."

Yes, but when you kill yourself it's something deeper than a bad day.

Recently, I have been correcting people when they say: "I want to die" or "My life is horrible, I should just die." This is not the language we need to use to describe our feelings. I will admit, I have caught myself saying this. But I've always tried to say: "I didn't mean to say it like that. My problem is not that serious. Please forgive me for being dramatic."

You do not understand the feeling of being suicidal by just having a bad day, or things not going your way. Suicide is caused by having a disease. This disease takes over your life and sometimes ends it.

Depression is something that everyone deals with from time to time. Major depressive disorder is a severe paralyzing disease, and in some cases fatal. It's good to note that not all who are affected by this disease is suicidal.

By throwing around jokes about suicide and trying to get sympathy from people by saying 'you want to die' in the least serious way, you are taking the attention away from individuals who may be suffering from this condition. And if they were going to try and get help, you just minimized their feelings in to a joke.

Sometimes it's a phase and individuals are able to get over it and move on with their lives. Sometimes it is a lifetime thing and these individuals, no matter how much help they get and how hard they try, they can't get over these feelings.

It's important to be aware. Suicide is not a joke and I will never laugh at it. But I will no longer tolerate the easy-goingness about the topic any longer.

Ashamed of Living in this State

I grew up in the greatest state in the United States.

The greatest state until last night, of course.

We think everything is so black and white, democrat and republican, we ignore that their is a lot of grey areas in every issue.

What am I talking about? If you must ask, you should be reading the newspaper.

I'll tell you anyway. Minnesota (my beloved home state) passed an amendment to make marriage between a man and a woman. I can no longer call this my beloved state because I am ashamed of living here. Of being in a state that encourages such definition.

I'm not gonna pretend to know about what is gonna happen. My friends say I can vote no on it in the elections. I will vote no. I will. I will. I will. I don't know much about politics and I vote independent because I see the grey areas in all issues, not the black and white politics. Some say this is a waste of a vote. But I sleep better at not knowing that I didn't vote for the people who make the hateful laws.

I like all people I meet. Yes, I do. In some ways even the most negative encounter I have experienced has made me a better person and I am grateful for that person for helping me become the best person I can be.

And I love my gays. I love my straights. I love my closeted and uncloseted friends.

Here is my video reaction to the amendment. I thought it was suiting that I would have it on my first youtube video. =]

Even after this horrible amendment was passed to the next stage, I still believe that all people are good. Don't get me wrong.

April: Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Thought I would take some time reflecting on one of my favorite months. As most of you may know, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. (SAAM)

My organization, Students For Sexual Consent, planned a whole month filled with events for SAAM.

It started with a 'Survivor Panel'. This is where survivors of sexual as

sault talk about their experiences. They are strong women and I can not even imagine the courage it takes for them to do this.

The 'Survivor Panel' was well attended. Another event we put on was our annual Clothesline Project. This is a National project done through out communities and campuses in the whole country. Survivors of sexual assault make T-shirts as a healing process and each April we display them in a public place to represent the prevalence of sexual assault. I think a lot of people are amazed just how often sexual assault occurs. To find more information, check out the national network website.

Here are some photographs from our project:

The last event that I participated in was 'Denim Day.' I picked up the story off the Denim Day in LA website.

An 18-year old girl is picked up by her married 45-year old driving instructor for her very first lesson. He takes her to an isolated road, pulls her out of the car, wrestles her out of one leg of her jeans and forcefully rapes her. Threatened with death if she tells anyone, he makes her drive the car home. Later that night she tells her parents, and they help and support her to press charges. The perpetrator gets arrested and is prosecuted. He is convicted of rape and sentenced to jail.

He appeals the sentence. The case makes it’s all the way to the Italian Supreme Court. Within a matter of days the case against the driving instructor is overturned, dismissed, and the perpetrator released. In a statement by the Chief Judge, he argued, “because the victim wore very, very tight jeans, she had to help him remove them, and by removing the jeans it was no longer rape but consensual sex.”

Enraged by the verdict, within a matter of hours the women in the Italian Parliament launched into immediate action and protested by wearing jeans to work. This call to action motivated and emboldened the California Senate and Assembly to do the same, which in turn spread to Patricia Giggans, Executive Director of Peace Over Violence, and Denim Day in LA was born. The first Denim Day in LA was in April 1999, and has continued every year since.

Here are pictures of our Denim Day which was held this past Wednesday:

Overall, it was a great month and I really think this helped people see that this is an issue to pay attention to. Awareness is only the first step to stopping the problem.