The End Starts with YOU.

I decided to take an ethnic studies class my freshman year. Partially because I needed it to fit the requirements of the general educational program and partially because it sounded like fun.

And it was fun. I took Introduction to American Indian Studies and loved it. Then this spring I took up a minor in it. At first, I wanted to use my 'whiteness' in good ways and I stated that I was taking these classes to learn about the cultures of our ethinicities in American. But I also wanted to stop oppression of these groups.

Since I am a women's studies major, I understand that I am oppressed. And until I started taking more ethnic studies classes, I didn't understand how closely I allign myself with people of color. Because most people of color understand that their oppressed. People of my gender...do not.

I think all women understand that they are viewed as inferior of men. But most women can excuse that away, saying that as soon as they get married that her husband will have the privilege they need. (Assume that they are heterosexual, which isn't always the case.) There are the women who do not fit the feminine women example and they are excused as deviant to the gender. If they do not have a slender body, they are labeled as obese, or overweight. Not fitting in to social norms, their are plenty of psychological disorders that they could be diagnosed with. (Remember homosexuality was a disorder in the psychological world until GLB activists won that battle. Being a crossdresser or a transvestite is still a disorder...) These women don't fit so they are given a label so that they are an exception, not a woman. And certaintly they aren't oppressed because they are women. That's not why they are oppressed, they have a disorder!

Okay ladies, you understand you are held inferior, but marrying a man is not going to get you to an equal status. And it is certainly not going to save you from being oppressed. Getting diagnosed with a disorder may not help either.

I recognized that I was oppressed. I am not immune from gender oppression because I'm white, or blonde, or blue eyed. Yes, I have privileges but I am still oppressed.

I try to talk to non-women studies majors about this (and some women's studies majors are not feminists or blooming feminists, so it's hard to talk to them too). I try to find spaces where I can be seen as an equal and not an inferior. And it's hard, because so many women are brainwashed in to thinking that we have the same opportunity as men.

Well ladies, you have a disorder called INTERNALIZED OPPRESSION. Yup, you are oppressed. Not because individuals in your life are oppressing you, but you are.

You are trained to think that you are inferior so you accept the low paying jobs, you do not take the hardest classes at your institutions, you may even act dumb and giggly to get men's attention (and eventually a husband). You may not exactly believe this, but society has taught you to not expect more. You speak up, you get told to shut up. If you are sad, then you get pills. You don't fit the feminine body type, you must get plastic surgery or lose weight for goodness sake.

I'm so tired of women telling me that I need to dumb down/pretty up in order to get a male partner. What if I do not want a partner? "Well you will, eventually."

Uhmmm, right now I don't. So why don't you spend your own time realizing that you have accepted a job that you hate and don't make shit, that your husband controls everything you do, and you have no personal opinion about anything. Because I'd rather be lonely forever, then have a job that I despise, not be able to make my own choices, and not be able to think.

Listen up, Ladies: You have a CHOICE in life. You can accept being degraded and not being a complete person. Or you can be your own person. Your thinking is the biggest obstacle in becoming you. Or lack of thinking...in this case.

The Love of Others

I have to admit. I was down the past week.

It wasn't anything major I just realized a lot of things about my current life that I was not looking at in the right perspective.

I'm a strong person. Or I try to be. I give off the sign of being confident and well put together. I don't have the lowest confidence in the world, but I definitely don't believe that I am CONFIDENT.

This past two years at college has changed me for the better. I still have flaws to fix, but I'm a constantly striving to being a 100% person. Finding Feminism and trying to live a feminist lifestyle this past semester has been a struggle.

I realized that these past two years have also been filled with heartbreak and broken promises. It's been filled with a lot of tears over relationships, friendships, and disappointments.

Then I realized that come September no one has said I love you to me. in two years. two. years.

I thought that had to be wrong. I mean, I had boyfriends these past two years. I had to have someone say 'I love you' and mean it. No. I was right. Come September not one guy has said 'I love you.'

That severely worried me. Was I unlovable? Did I not deserve love? What am I doing wrong that someone has not shared that feeling for me?

Then I remembered. So many people say 'I love you' to me everyday. My friends and my sisters. At least twice a day, some one reminds me that they love me. I've never noticed before because I've been looking at the wrong kind of love.

Romantic is not the only kind of love. That's not the only kind of love you need. Some may argue that you do not need the romantic kind of love.

And those people that tell me "I love you", I actually mean it when I say "I love you, too".

I was so busy being upset over not having romantic love, I forgot all about the love I have already. The love from my friendships, the love from my sisters, the love from even my classmates.

I used to think that I will never feel unconditional love until I have children. But now I am realizing that I do have unconditional love. Just check my Facebook wall, look at my life, look at the people who surround me everyday.

So many individuals are looking for love. They are looking for 'the person' to spend the rest of their life with.

Well I'm not. I'm not looking for love. I have love. I have the people I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And I think that is truly what feminism is to me. It's about realizing what you do have is precious and worthwhile. It's about finding what is important to you and not letting anyone steal that away. It's about how everyone needs the love of others, not just the love of one.

There's No Problem with Loving My Body

I had a great conversation with one of my co-workers today. We were talking about how in her culture it is acceptable, and actually PREFERRED, to be “FAT.” For them, it is a compliment. It shows they are healthy, that they are doing well. If you are thin in her culture, it means you are sick and something is wrong. I wish America lived in this way. I wish I grew up in a society and culture where it was ok to be who I am. America is killing itself, and I do not want to be a part of that death sentence anymore.

My beautiful wonderful sister wrote this the other day and I love that she expressed this concern.

Being thin is easy, society tells us, look at all those models. What they don't tell us is the average women is size 12, which is considered 'plus size' and that those models are usually aged 12 to 19. They are 5 feet 9 inches tall and 120 pounds. That's not average. And that is not right.

But we continue to feed the society and continue to feel the pressure. I've been lucky to avoid that pressure and I have no idea why. I have never tried to lose a lot of weight, just continued to stay healthy (work out and eat right). My weight is an unknown and it will stay that way, except for doctors visits.

I've been obsessed with Marilyn Monroe for a year now. Her image, her beauty and her figure. I'm a bra size away from having the same body type; our measurements match up close to inches of each other. (According to the website I looked at.) She's been admired as the 'fat' celebrity but what about her was fat?!?! Yes, she was bigger than most of the movie stars during her time, but that doesn't make her fat.

[photo source: here]

The funny fact about her is that she got most of her clothes custom made. Was this because she was rich and could afford it? Possibly. But I think the other reason is that most clothes didn't look good on her. I have the same problem. I put on jeans and all I can see is my hips; I have to wear certain bras with certain shirts or layers of shirts so I can cover up what I was blessed with in the chest region. It's a pain in the butt and would love to have custom clothes. But alas, I am a student and have to stay with in my budgets.

About two weeks ago I caught myself calling myself fat. I was completely disgusted at my body. But then I asked myself, why should I be disgusted? I work out almost everyday, I eat as healthy as I can. I treat my body right and it treats me right. So why so I tear myself down because I don't fit the 'thin' standard? I get that enough from the media. So I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom, naked and called myself all the positive words I could think of.

I no longer want to be part of the death sentence as well. So what if I am twenty pounds heavier than the heaviest reported weight of Marilyn Monroe? I'm not gonna continue the negative language about my body, in fact, about anyone's body. Everyone deserves to be happy who they are.

I see two ways we can make this right: one, we can stop making our own body image negative and two, we can stop with the constant belief that we need to look 'good' for whatever reason.

And that is harder than it looks.

The Best Thing College Has Given To Me

Wow. I seem to be in a blogging mood lately.

I definitely would recommend people to be as involved in college as you can, and speaking from experience, this is not hard to do.

Of course, it means many late nights and less time for studying but overall it is a great feeling when you finish a semester with a high GPA and many fond memories.

But that is not why I am blogging today.

I went through high school with a small amount of friends that I spoke to between and in classes, but after school was out, we rarely hung out. I was not given the social support I needed from my friendships and I turned to a romantic relationship I said. This relationship was unstable and unhealthy as I turned to this individual for all my support.

Please note that this is not a post designed to hurt the individual I dated for almost three years of my life though it may come off so. This is a post to reflect what *I* have learned from it. I burdened this individual emotionally and I have come to accept that I maybe placed too much responsiblity of my happiness in his hands for an average human being to deal with.

I have spent almost two years reflecting and growing over the subject of my romantic life. Joining these student organizations has helped me in so many ways, but one of the most, it has given me support beyond belief.

I am now able to recognize the signs of an unhealthy behavior and stop it before it becomes too harmful for myself. Although I have been single for the majority of these last two years, I have been more happier than I was in a relationship. I have had healthy relationships since then and although most of them ended, I did not feel like I needed another one to survive.

I depended on my ex to survive emotionally. This individual broke up with me for a short time in February of my senior year and I felt completely alone. More than alone. I thought this was a sign of true love, but now I realize it was a sign of dependency.

I recognize this dependency in other woman around me. We are social beings and we need social support. A romantic relationship is one way of getting that support. Notice I said one way.

When I started college, I wanted to have friends to hang out with. And I wanted to include my significant other on this journey. I realized quickly that this wasn't going to happen. I remember realizing this and instead of feeling devastated as I was at the last break up, I was relieved.

Even though my friendships were still developing at this point, I knew I had the support I needed to end the relationship. So I did.

I have never regretted this decision.

Some of those friendships I turned to for support at this time have ended. This is sad. I do not think I have thanked them for being there when I needed them. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For the ones that were there and continue to be there for me, thank you as well. These people mean so much to me, even though some of us are no longer friends.

But the biggest support I received was from the organizations I was involved with the past few years. Of course, this is where I maintained and formed many friendships, both temporary and longer lasting. And this is why I encourage all the students I come across to be as involved as you want to be.

As I approach my last year in my undergraduate education, I am realizing for the first time in my life I am making decisions for myself.

Two years ago when I made the decision to go to this insitution, it was not for me, it was for the relationship. When I was debating whether or not to join the Marines, I barely even considered it because of the views of my partner. But now, I decided against the Peace Corps option with out any input of anyone else.

I wouldn't be able to be independent with out the support of so many individuals around me. That seems like an oxymoron but trust me, it's not possible to be independent with out people around you.

What's the best thing College has given me? Support wins by a large landslide.

And I decided to change my major on an epiphany-like-rush, but something that being a Women's Studies major taught me early on is that in order to receive change in society you must support all others around you. Then as you are supporting others, they support you and change is quicker and a more positive thing.