"People will put their two-cents in"

And what's with that?

Telling people of my plans to live close to plastic and waste free as I can. I get judged and I get told that it can't be done. I then lead them to websites where I prove to them it can be done and on a budget none the less. Still disbelief, still judgement, but I move on.

Now more than ever, I am being told what to do, what to eat and what to use on my body. And you know what? Keep it to yourself. I could handle people calling me weird when I told them I used my eco friendly pads and diva cup. But now? I have much less patience for people who think they "know the right way". I usually lose my patience around the time when people say "good luck with that!" with extreme judgement and obvious sarcasm. Most of these people have not even been in my situation before and therefore, should not be talking.

Frankly, I am pissed. People have even been telling me who to vote for. I am fine with people sharing why they are voting for Republican/Democrat. But I don't like the system we have right now, so I am not voting for either of those candidates. Obviously our government is failing us, and we need to get a different party in office to try and change things. Yes, a different party. Yes that means I am voting independent candidate. Yes, I know they are likely not to win. But that is not the reason I am voting. I am voting for my values and not the likelihood that they will win. Don't put your two cents in on that thank you very much. I know what I am doing with my vote and I am using it.

I am also pissed for people that think that ALL of Obama's life should be scrutinized. He goes on vacation? Suddenly the world is going crazy, he is wasting tax payers dollars!!! (or his....you know...salary he gets for being a president?) His wife is a bitch? He's is a push over. (I do not know if Michelle Obama is a bitch, she does not look like a dog to me, but people have their names for her.)

I'm pissed when people generalize groups of people. Republicans are bigots. Democrats are big money spenders that give out money to people who don't deserve it. Socialists are BAD. Teen moms are whores. Young moms are lazy who just want to be housewives and not go to college/get a job. People on welfare are no good and lazy people using the system. College students don't care. Girls start drama. Gays and Lesbians are sluts. Black people are gangsters. Mexicans are dirty. Cowboys ride horses.

For every generalization you make, I can come up with individuals who fit that description but not the generalization. How about you get to know the person THEN see what that kind of person they are? How about you just get to know the person and not make judgements at all? Or how about you don't share your advice with judgement and criticism and just try to help a person?

Who has the right to tell me what to do? I am my own person. I should have the choice and the option to live my life the way I would like to live it. The way I want to live it. If you have doubts that I will be able to do it, I don't want to hear it. If you have support and helpful tips, let me have it. Don't base your two-cents in criticism of my dreams and beliefs. Don't judge me because that is not the way you would do it yourself.

To make it easier for people who are dumb, I created this visual representation.

Fears but Conquers

I have fears. I know I seem fearless to some, but I do have fears. Yes, I post video blogs to how I respond to hatred and ignorance in the workplace. Yes, I blog about not shaving and using environmental friendly pads and cups for my menstrual cycle. Yes, I am sex-positive and rape-hating. Yes, I talk about feminist issues to anyone who will listen(or who won't) to me on a daily basis. That does not make me fearless.

The biggest thing I worry about is the reality that I might not go out everyday and change people's minds. I might not leave the world a better place when I leave it. That I might do nothing.

And I am not doing nothing, but is the impact being nothing. I haven't been blogging lately, and really it is a mixture of reasons. I have been really busy. Last semester all I felt like I was doing was homework. This semester, I feel overwhelmed with personal issues (the destruction of my cast, the creeper who won't leave me alone, job applications) and Students For Sexual Consent Presidency. All and All, I am doing something. I am hoping that I will change the world while I do this thing.

And changing the world is a full-time job. It also comes with this depressing fact, that I might not accomplish it. Actually, it won't happen. I know it won't. But I do it anyway. I set small goals and go out there to make them happen. I hope that others will learn from it. I hope that I learn from it.

Anyway, today was a good day. I realized that some people will just not support me all the way. Whatever. But I also realized that applying for jobs can and will pay off. I got a potential interview with a very good organization for Women's Rights in the future. So that's looking up for me.

I have a lot of changing happening in my life in the next few months. I hope to keep all my readers-old and new updated on what I am learning.

I feel powerless. I haven't felt this powerless in years.

I found myself in an uncomfortable situation and with the situations I have been going through I was not able to function or be of defense of myself like I normally would. I tried to advocate for myself, to explain the feelings I had, but he was either unwilling to listen or did not understand the feelings I have.

My sense of security is shattered. Some days I have good days, some days I am scared to death to trust anyone around me and shut up faster than a clam. Today was one of those days. I can not begin to articulate how these events have affected my well beings. Sometimes I can concentrate in classes, on homework and can function. Other days I sit there like a zombie barely getting through the day, close to tears if anyone asks how I am.

I want out; I want my power back; I want this all to end. When I think of my cast being destroyed, it destroys a part of me that I worked so hard to build up. A confident young women who does not let anyone use her, that does not let anyone mistreat her. How can they destroy this in one action? It's been three days but it might as well be a lifetime.

People are messed up

I don't vlog much but this was something I had to say.

Body Language

I use to be the kind of woman that you could always count on being at the gym. And don't get me wrong, I love working out and I enjoy it very much.

But I realized this past year where I was not found at the gym all the time, made me realize that my body is my body. And I kind of, sort of like it. ha! Just kidding, I love my body.

Yes, I am not super fit, but I'm healthy. I realized that I will never have the body I want to have. No matter how hard I try. (Trust me, I tried hard.) My legs are lumpy, my stomach sometimes is a tummy, my calves are over defined, and sometimes I have triple chins. No matter how hard I worked to get my body as defined as my calves, my calves were the only ones picking up the slack.

I don't eat a lot of candy all the time, I like eating, but really don't have an eating problem. I eat when I am hungry and eat what I am hungry for. I could lay off the french fries some more, and I ate a whole bag of Reese's hearts this week because well, I bought it. I don't work out for two hours a day anymore and I am often too tired to run faster or push myself harder. But yet, when I look in the mirror, I like what I see. I recognize my flaws, but I am fine with them.

It's weird because I used to be such an avid exerciser, like obsessively avid. And at that time I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. Then one day, I was watching a slide show of the pictures of training for my job this summer and there I was. I didn't even recognize myself. I was far from emaciated, but it was like I was thinner then what I saw in the mirror. I literally didn't exist on the side angle. I thought I was this thick disgusting woman that need to drop a few pounds and get rid of my rolls, but this picture scared me. I remember looking at my friend and saying "I really don't exist do I?"

This changed my habits. I started working out when I felt like it and stopped worrying so much about what I put in my mouth. The past five months of doing this, has made me realize and accept my body for what it is. Perfect. I still get that high after working out and now I stuff my face with food if I really like the food that is given to me. My eating habits are "normal", I eat when I am hungry, whenever that is. I am listening to my body.

I wish more women could accept their body and love their body for what it is. Perfect. I know women who work out constantly, work out until they are literally falling over from exhaustion, that is not right, that is not cool. Your body is not going to treat you right from that treatment.

So final analysis, I love my body and now I am going for a walk to show it that.

My vagina needs a nip tuck...no seriously

I was 17 years old when I first heard of the nip tucks being done on women's external genitals. This made me nervous, I didn't know your genitals had to be perfect. How do I know if they are perfect? Can I see a picture?

Later, I watched a "Sex and the City" episode where Charlotte finally uses a mirror to explore herself. Aha! That's how I know if it will be perfect or not.

So I went to the bathroom later that night and found a mirror. As I looked at it, I found so much wrong with every thing. My lips were too big, they were flappy. I have flappy lips. I do not want flappy lips. I immediately called my boyfriend at the time..."I need to have surgery down there...my lips are too flappy."

"Wait what? You're lips, huh?" He replied and I could tell he really wasn't interested in my flappy lips.

"Fine! You can deal with my flappy lips! God you are so inconsiderate!" I hung up and obsessed over it by myself.

While reading my newest book about Feminism "Full Frontal Feminism" by Jessica Valenti, she discusses how in Africa this surgery is called FGM-female genital mutilation. And in America this is called "cosmetic surgery".

Shows just how hypocritical our beliefs our. FGM is wrong, but having a doctor try and change your lips is right? What is wrong with that?

I am no longer obsessive over my fat lips. Who cares if my lips are Angelina Jolie sized down there...I thought she was supposed to be hot anyway? But the fact that for months I wondered how I could afford this surgery scares me. At the same time I was learning about FGM and did not connect the two together. I was appalled by FGM but accepted the views of a perfect vagina. (Which isn't anatomically right anyway, my "lips" are actually the labia which is part of the female Vulva---which is NOT a car).

In fact, I did not connect it until today when I was reading that chapter by Valenti on beauty. Just ridiculous. I had forgot about my freak out over my fat Angelina lips.

And when I read this over, trying to correct my bad grammar and spelling. I notice just how messed up our beauty standards are. We can have big lips on our face....but not down there? Please. We can criticize cultural practices for tradition across the world, but practice the same thing in America just for beauty. Why is everything so backwards? Why can't I love my big Angelina lips and my little ears?

And who tells me I can't? Because I actually do. I am not going to waste 40,000 dollars on a surgery when I can spend it on school, that's more than the loans I have taken out for school right now anyway. Even though my thighs are thunderous, why can't that be beautiful? Because I am beautiful. And what makes me beautiful is not the size of my lips, or my little ears, or my thunder thighs; it is my passion for helping people. It is my passion for caring. It is my personality. Not my looks, it was never my looks that made me beautiful.

Beauty should never be on the outside; And more Americans need to learn this before they have their labia messed with.(And use the right terminology!!! Vagina is on the inside!!!)

Good Intent sometimes does not have good impact

If there is something that disgusts me more is when people "victim blame". Our society is full of that. But something that I haven't realized is that sometimes, victim blaming has good intentions. What do I mean by that?

I certainly do not mean that victim blaming is good. I am not saying that.Victim blaming is bad. And no victim of domestic abuse or sexual assault is never at blame!!! Never!

Here is what I mean. Consider my friends Facebook status for example:

Is at the library, catching up on some silent study time .... and I happen to look over my shoulder and see a man in his late 40's behind me obviously searching and looking at young teenage girl's provocative photo's on facebook.... he had a wedding ring on and a nasty grin on his ugly face. This is where tragic news stories begin little girls! have respect for yourselves and your bodies! because to this perverted piece of slime behind me, your just an object.... as for him: You give me all the more inspiration to pursue my criminal law degree so I can become the prosecutor that puts scum bags like you in prison .... of course me and my big mouth couldn't just express this on here and as he got up to leave i blatantly said "you will reap what you sew" and continued my reading .... lord bless his soul.

Does anyone else see what is wrong with this status? Pay attention to this fragment of this quote:

This is where tragic news stories begin little girls! have respect for yourselves and your bodies! because to this perverted piece of slime behind me, your just an object....

What? Although this friend was obviously not saying that sexual assault is good. In fact, she was saying it was bad. How are we "little girls" supposed to have respect for our bodies when society does not? This fragment is victim blaming, though that is not the intent.

This reminds me of a workshop I attended this January. It was called "35 Dumb Things Well Intended People Say that Widen the Diversity Gap". We discussed issues like this one. Where the person, obviously had good intent, but it came out all wrong. Just because you had good intent, does not mean your statement will have good impact.

Don't victim blame. It is never good. Always remember the person at fault for the crime that happens is the person that perpetrated it.