Sex and the Single

Ask anyone of my close friends: I'm open about my sexuality.

Well technically, I'm open about everything.

Last fall, I was compared to Samantha from Sex and the City. Until this comparison I always thought I was Carrie, the columnist with a wonderful quirky fashions sense. I denied the statement that I was Samantha and I went to Sex and the City 2 with a guy friend. While watching the movie, I realized my friend was right. I was Samantha. Not Carrie. I was never Carrie. Nor could I be Miranda because I was too carefree and Charlotte, Charlotte was much too innocent and pretty to be me.

I was stunned. I watched Sex and the City for years thinking that I was Carrie. Now I am Samantha? How can I deal with that information?

I dealt with it like I usually deal with big changes. I push it deep inside me and try not to think about it.

It's not like I wanted to be Carrie, or Miranda, or Charlotte. But I didn't want to be Samantha. She never had a real stable relationship and it seemed to me that out of the four of them she was always, well, alone.

I do not want to be alone. I want to have great sex with a partner but I want a partner to stay. Like a lot of women I have dreams about my future life with a good looking partner and a few kids and of course, a great job.

I am as some say, a serial dater. It wasn't expected and I certainly did not try to. But I've realized all my relationships have lasted no longer than 3 dates (official or unofficial). Always around date three the relationship ended, sometimes breaking my heart, other times relieving me of added stress that a 'relationship' gives a person.

And I realized through this tumultuously few years of dating, that I am happy being alone.

Being single is a great thing and dating brings you many benefits. As my Sex and the City ladies talk about how wonderful their boyfriends are and what he was doing that pissed them off last, I sit there and wonder if I will ever have a relationship again. Because I really don't want one. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's because I am almost done with college and I am just ready to move on with my life, maybe it's because I'm in denial and I actually really want a relationship. All three of these reasons are valid and probably true. But I do not care.

I enjoy being single because I make decisions for myself that are good for me, not the people I am involved with. I worry that my friends won't be around me when I need them, but when I need someone, I have a friend that is there. My need to be in a relationship is only for sexual circumstances and really, that can be met some other creative ways too.

I realize that out of all four of the ladies of 'Sex and the City' if I grow up to be Samantha, I would not care. She's happy. She gets what she wants out of life and she doesn't let others bring her down. No, she doesn't end up married with kids or married at all. But that is not what she wants. If I follow her footsteps, I will get what I want and I will do good at it. I won't end up in a marriage with a guy named BIG, or with 2 kids named after flowers and a husband who is a bald guy, or a successful attorney with a weird looking husband. I will end up with what I want, whatever that is.

Samantha is the only woman I see in the show who will not bend her values to the needs of her partner.

And I like that. If that makes me alone for the rest of my life, so be it. My choices will be my own and I like being my own agent.

Sex Advice

I have been getting a lot of good advice about (straight) sex lately.

"Keep the numbers low."

"Make sure you are ready to have sex."

"Wait until marriage..."

"Don't put your penis in crazy" (In this case, I would probably have to change the body part so it is applicable. )

But I'm having trouble figuring this advice out.

When people tell me to keep the numbers low, I know exactly what that means. Don't sleep around. But how low is low? Under 5, under 10, under 25? No one is willing to define it for me. Plus, when a person is begging you to have sex with them and you say: "I need to keep the numbers low." They say 'it's just a number.'

And I have no problem with gaining experience. Yes, you should keep it low so that you lower the risk of you spreading diseases or contracting them. But what's wrong with a girl having 10 partners? Or as many as she pleases or as little as she pleases. I don't see guys being told, make sure you have as SMALL AS NUMBER OF PARTNERS as you can. This is a sexist piece of advice.

Why is it sexist? Ask why it's important for you to keep your numbers down. Along with lowering the risk of STDs, they will also tell you that, "To make sure your future husband won't be disgusted at you." You never hear guys telling guys, "make sure that you don't sleep with a lot of girls....keep that number down."

If my future life partner cares how many guys or girls I have pleased in bed and gets disgusted at me for it, that person is not my life partner.

I'm not saying, sleep with everyone. I am not saying that at all. But make your own choice with who you sleep with. Don't concentrate on the numbers. Concentrate on what you want to do.

Make sure you are ready to have sex.

This one is a good piece of advice. But it has a lot of flaws to it.

If you would have asked me 8 years ago, what this means...I would have said: "To be ready to have sex means that you are ready for the consequences of having sex. The consequences are, having babies or getting a naughty disease."

And some adults view this the same way.

I no longer feel this way.

In fact, how does anyone know when they are ready? Do you get a card in the mail? Is it your maturity level? Is it the age of consent?

Which leads me to the next piece of advice, waiting until marriage.

This piece of advice is hard. And I applaud all who succeed and make this a reality. But is it too late for me?

I know I have made mistakes in the past, but it can't be too late for me to turn my ideas around?

I tried telling a guy that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. And he stared at me and laughed. Another guy completely disregarded it and kept trying to have sex anyway. Another guy told me it was stupid. Their basis: because I already had sex.

So now what? Am I just a piece of meat to every guy now? You can walk all over me because someone else already did? That isn't fair to you or me.

Now don't stick your penis in to crazy is a good solid piece of advice. Now in my case it's don't let crazy stick in to you.

Blunt but to the point.

In my experience, I have learned 4 rules you have to follow to have a healthy sex life. You can be married or unmarried for this advice. You can be straight or bi or gay or lesbian or pan or whatever. (you just might need to change the reasoning why this rule is important.)

1. Protection is always necessary.
2. Get tested.
3. Respect your partner!
4. Make your own choices

One is important if you do not want any diseases or unplanned pregnancies. Two is important, too, because accidents do happen. Make sure your partner gets tested too.

Three is one of my favorites. This means honest communication and you have to be open. Make sure your partner wants to have sex.

And four is my favorite.

Make sure your choices are your own. This will make sex both positive and enjoyable for you. If you feel like you need to do it, it's not your time to be having sex. If you feel like it is going against your morals even just a little, it's still not your time.

Follow these rules and you will be sure to have a sex positive lifestyle.