In Hopes that someone that needs this will read this

For one of my jobs at my university, I am planning with the Pride Community an "It Gets Better" video for our school. I am uberly excited for this experience as I know it will be a great one and get many people involved. But I also have a personal experience with this kind of tragedy.

This tragedy is one that affect GLBT youth at a much larger rate. It is suicide. Dan Savage created the "It Gets Better" project after a series of suicides of GLBT youth that thought after the harassment they received in schools that they did not have a life worth living.

Depression is something you do not understand until you have it. Until you go through it on a deep level. It's something you can not smile through. It is something that plagues you, haunts you on a daily, hourly, minutely basis. It's something I have struggled with ever since I can remember.

I never knew I would be this successful in college. I always thought I would have to become someone else. Someone popular or pretty or better. Someone with better self-esteem or a boyfriend or a girlfriend or someone that has lettered in every single thing they have tried (Which coincidentally is everything. You know the person I am talking about, every school has one of those people. ) I thought I had to become someone else in order to be happy.

I was harassed for my sexuality when I was younger. And it is something I tear up to this day about. It is something that I will never get over. And it is something I wish someone had stopped earlier. I wish the teacher that witnessed it, everyday, would have said something. I wish that more of my classmates asked me if I was okay with them calling me a "bra stuffing lesbian". More often, I wish that adults didn't tell me "they are just teasing you because they are jealous."

No, they weren't teasing me because they were jealous. They were teasing me, because they saw someone who was alone. Who was vulnerable. My personality, my looks, my breast size had nothing to do with why they teased me. They teased me because they thought it was fun and it was easy. Yes, there is probably more to why they teased me. But they chose to tease me because I was vulnerable, alone and no one stood up for me, including myself.

I don't ever remember asking them to stop. I don't ever remember myself telling the teacher to ask them to stop. This is something that I need to stress to the people who are feeling harassed, teased, bullied whatever. It is a horrible experience to go through. But you need to stand up to these people and tell them to stop. You need to be a self-advocate. Your best advocate is YOU. (side note: This shouldn't be so, others should stand up for you too. But people won't, they are scared, find courage and stand up for yourself. And others will stand behind you. I promise.)

My life didn't start getting better, once I got a boyfriend. It didn't start getting better once I lettered in everything I did. It didn't get better once I got friends. It didn't get better when I lost weight, when I got the job I wanted...It got better when I started taking care of myself and respecting myself enough for others to respect me.

It is gonna get better. A whole hell of a lot better. But be yourself and do what you want to do, and if that doesn't make you happy, do something else that does. This is your life. And it is not gonna get any better until you are happy with yourself, not your surroundings.

So please, figure out what makes you happy and try not to care what other people around you thinks or says. Because the only persons opinion that really matters is yours. Your opinion of yourself matters, and if you respect yourself and love yourself, the people around you that you want to hang out with will see that and respect you too.

It's not easy. It is going to be very hard. I'm not saying that you're not gonna struggle for a few weeks, months, or years. But don't worry, it's worth it.

Name Calling isn't always a bad thing

What is identity? What makes up part of your identity?

This was a question that my English teacher asked us Monday morning .

He had circled identity on the board and we were quiet for a few minutes, when someone stated that she considered identity as "where you see yourself as part of a group".

So who you are compared to everyone else, what group you belong to is part of who you are.

But it is not everything, why do individuals have to even consider their identity as part of a group. Why can't I just be Hannah?

Your name is the most individual part of your identity, it is the only thing that can encompass your whole experience. Sure, I identify as a woman, but that does not mean that every woman has the same experience! Not even every queer white woman who is blonde and grew up in the middle class would have the same experience in life that I have had...

What I am trying to say is that your name is who you are, it is the only thing that can separate yourself from the rest of the world who may be superficially just like you.

So why change it? Whether it is for marriage or for fun, you were born with that name for the reason. It was meant for you. Fate.

I think this is why I get so angry when I see newlyweds change their names. Usually if it is a hyphen I am more understanding (when both partners hyphen their names...thank you very much) but when just the woman changes her last name. I see a deep strip of identity right through her soul. I hurt for her and her children who will never receive a chance to have their mothers part of their identity with them.

Many people argue that it is a tradition they are following when they take their new husbands last name, but lets look at this in a different life. Hasn't it been a tradition to be called their name over and over again for twenty some years (or less/more).

So I am Hannah, and let's stick with that.