Labels: why you do not fit your own identity

I wrote a post awhile aback about labels and how hesitant I was to give myself one of a feminist.

I was also hesitant to give myself the 'in a relationship' and 'girlfriend' label this past month. But I discovered something. With a label, you may have negative consequences but you also may have positive consequences as well.

For example, the moment I admitted that my manfriend was actually my manfriend. It was like something lifted and I could breathe again. And even though I was happy being single, I am still happy in a relationship.

And some labels are hard to get.

I'll explain myself. Some American Indians can not identify or label themselves as American Indians because they do not have enough 'blood' to be considered one by their tribe.

I learned something even worse last night. In a few tribes, if a American Indian woman marries out of that tribe, she is no longer able to receive the benefits of being part of that tribe. (Whether that be land or money or having a say in tribal meetings). In another tribes on the other side of the country, her children would be also be punished. However, if a man marries a women from outside of that tribe, nothing changes.

And the sad thing is, the supreme court approved this for these tribes.

Patriarchy at it's finest. It's like women are less of their ethnicity because of their sex and their gender. And can I tell you something, that makes me completely furious.

Of course, it's none of my business to tell the tribes what they can and can not do. White people have done that for centuries and it's time for the U.S. to let these nations decide their own futures. I believe that is why the Supreme Court approved these policies.

When I looked it up, most of these tribes were matriarchal.  Not in the fact that women lead everything, they didn't. But in the fact that their society was egalitarian. Egalitarian means equal power, or shared power.

But also, the society respected women for their opinions, for their input. When marriages occurred the man would move to the woman's family home and the children would be hers. She would not lose her tribal relations and neither would he, if it was possible.

It's sadly no longer that way for many tribes. Because the entrance of European missionaries and settlers, many tribes adopted European religions and lifestyles, but also the patriarchal society. They lost the ancient tribal languages, their government and so much more.

So, I will be thankful of the labels and identities I can choose to give myself, for some can not give themselves their preferred labels and identities.

Be Good to Your Daughters...

"Let's get down to business
To defeat the Huns
Did they send me daughters
When I asked for sons?"



I must say that I have always had a huge problem with this Disney movie. Although the story is really empowering because as a woman at the end Mulan did save the day. However, she only got the chance to save the day after she proved herself as a man for a period of time.

As a daughter, I do not think that it is necessarily a bad thing to be one over a son. Having feminine qualities makes me caring and compassionate, something that Mulan also has. She also risked her life to take her father's place as a soldier. I think that is also a very caring thing. Taking care of aging parents is an important part of life and something that mainly daughters have done over generations.

Women (and men) make many important contributions to society. No one can say that they would be here with out a mother, at least biologically. And no matter how hard you try, you actually need a male substance in your life to have a life.

My point is that women need to be recognized for what they contribute to society. If they do well in a 'traditional men's role', FABULOUS. But if they want to be a traditional women, we need that too.

Women are the only people that can be mothers, either biologically or otherwise. But men can also only be fathers. I am not sure if you can survive with out one or another and be okay. I, being privileged for growing up in a two-parent household, do not understand the trials of being a single mother or father or the implications to being with out one.

I do know that either role is important! Putting the reproductive issues aside, I can recognize that in other ways women and men have contributed a lot to the world. Men have mainly been leaders, something we see switching to women roles at the present. And women have mainly been supportive assistants.

It is stupid and ignorant to say that women can not be leaders because they are better off supporting and caring for others or because they have 'never done it before'.

I foresee, partly because of feminism, women's movements and the push for women to receive and education, that women are not going to just stick to their traditional roles. But I also foresee men, due to essential changes in masculinity, becoming better fathers and not sticking to their traditional roles.

Feminism is not about the domination of women, it's about the equality of the sexes. It's about recognizing the importance of women in history and in the presence around the world. Something that's been ignored because women are an oppressed group in our society...

Our ancestors are not just white and male, they come in many diversities and genders. So let's see what those are before we say it's a shame to be given daughters. Because heck, I would like to think I make my parents proud of me...because what I do, not the sex I was given at birth or the gender I practice.

That Tick Tocking is not my Biological Clock...

Everyone asks me what my dreams are for my future.

It's a crazy question. And I dislike it very much. What are you talking about when you ask that question? My career, my personal life, what I dream about night to night?

Half the time I assume they are talking about my career and I tell them the career I'm going for that day or hour or moment. They are amazed that I'm majoring in Women's Studies and have no idea what I could do with it. (Again, a lot.)

I want to be successful. But more importantly I want to do more than that. People call me a feminist, and I guess I am one. They get completely flustered when I tell them the truth.

What's the truth?

I want to have a family.

The thing is the only reason I want to be successful in my career is to have a family.

Now please don't confuse this idea of having a family with being a wife or a mother full-time.

Don't confuse this post with some ramblings about how I want to be pregnant by 28 so I better find my husband now.

Don't even connect this idea with a husband at all.

Around age 30 and sometimes earlier, women start getting anxious...WHAT IF I DON'T HAVE KIDS.

This is not because they have clock in their biology, like some scientists state. This has everything to do with societal norms.

I used to up until very recently connecte the idea of family and motherhood to the process of pregnancy. Can I let you in on a secret? Pregnancy has nothing to do with family or motherhood.
You are no less of a woman if you can not have children. (This goes the same for men) You don't even have to want children to be a woman or to have a family.

Have I confused you yet?

It's okay because I'm always confused.

But if there is one thing I am not confused about is that I want to have a family. That's my fricking dream. And I'm a fricking feminist! Deal with it.

Forget about the expensive egg freezing options, or invitro or the 'natural' process of becoming a mother. Forget survival of the fittest. Forget about the whole idea of passing 'your genes down.'

I don't want to pass my genes down. I want to pass my knowledge down. That's the most important part of being a mother. Not getting pregnant, not taking your kids to soccer games, not being with the father of your child.

It's not about how you had the child, when you had the child, or even being around for 18 years. Believe me, when I decided I actually wanted to be a mom. I flipped out. And I wasn't even 20 years old yet. It's a scary thought. You only have so many eggs and you don't want to be a young mother or an old mother and then the rest of the world is telling you what you should and shouldn't do.


I know I follow the traditional gender roles of being nurturing and loving and sensitive and whatever the frick you want to label me as. I'm fine with that. I'm not going to try hard to become a stereotypical feminist, or to fit the role as a feminist. As so many people call me, I would like to remind you that labels are not my thing. So call me what you want but that doesn't mean I'm gonna behave how you want me to with that label!

I want women and men to be able to choose their path. I believe that we live in a patrarchial society and that causes women to suffer oppression. I don't like that women suffer and that they think that their is only one way to do things in life. And it goes like this: meet boy, force him in to marriage, get married, have kids, push kids for grandkids, die. Any different and the world is in to an uproar. I'm only twenty and I have seen girls doing this, frick, I have said things like this...

Forget what people say, or how loudly your biological clock is ticking. Do what you want to do. You want to be a successful attorney. Go for it. Do you hate children? Then please don't feel the need to have them. Just because someone says "when are you going to get married/have children?" doesn't mean that you actually have to do that...News flash, you don't have to do anything you do not want to do.





Your biological clock is made up. Yes, you can't have children after a certain age, but that doesn't mean you can't adopt or foster children. People get so caught up in this fertility debate, they see Kate Goslin popping out twins and then more, then another person popping out octuplets. Another women on TLC has like 19 kids...

You can be a mother in so many different ways and have no children of your own. Heck, you do not even have to adopt or foster to be a mother. My point is if you want children, then that's fine. But I feel like worrying about when you have them, how you have them, etc. etc. etc. takes away so much joy from actually being a mom.

I'm gonna reach that dream. And I'm gonna have a family. It may not be a family like everyone expects: a husband 2.3 kids and a white picket fence. Or it may be just that...who even knows anymore?

International Women's Day

Today marks the 100th Anniversary of International Women's Day.

It saddens me however, that America has not allowed women to vote for even that long.

Even though politics sadden and anger us, we need to pay attention. What has been happening in Libya and Egypt affect us too in more ways then money for gas.

We need to care about the women in our country and the women in other nations.

We are here today because of women and we will be here tomorrow because of women.

Cultural Feminism at it's finest.