You knew it was coming.
A pregnancy blog post. You know, I could have started a new blog called Hannahkdeegetspregnant, but with my pregnancy, I am still finding feminism. And I am discovering a world in which I know little and the only thing that learning about feminism has assisted me in is being okay with either sex that pops out of me and maybe being a better advocate for my medical wishes.
Let me just preface this blog with a little thankful hint to my body. The first 8 months of this pregnancy, my body has had the strength to hold me up, only letting nausea be rare, the stretch marks to be few, the weight gain to be manageable. I have had little to complain about. I was one of the lucky ones.
When I got pregnant, I told myself: I AM NOT BECOMING THE TYPE OF WOMAN THAT COMPLAINS ABOUT THE HOW SHE WANTS THE BABY OUT. Nope, not me. I put that in caps because I truly believed that baby and my body knows best. Believed being the key word.
Then 35 weeks came along...the last week of the 8th month. Baby boy decided to hug my kidney (learned that after all this), and I was in so much pain I went to the hospital thinking: oh my god, my son is dying. For some reason, even though that thought flew though my head I was completely calm until the nurse told me I was dilated and that the "doctors don't stop labor after 35 weeks."
Wait, hold up. I am in labor?!?! I just thought my son was dying. You know the logical part of me would think that being in labor would be better than my future unborn son dying in me. But for some reason, the idea of being in labor scared the shit out of me way more.
Well, they ended up sending me home. They told me to come back when the contractions were worse (which I couldn't even feel because my kidney hurt so bad) and told me not to have sex until week 37. Oh and no nipple stimulation...something you don't really expect to do anyway. At least not me.
Well, I ended up getting to work that day just fine---Shaking off the pain of a baby dry humping my kidney and the thought of possibly being in labor. And then the next day, made it to work fine. Made it through work fine. Made it through the next day fine, too. Still no baby.
Wednesday comes along. I head to the hospital yet again. My contractions (which I have had painlessly and almost for the past month, by the way) were painful and they were coming every three to four minutes. I actually waited to call the hospital for three hours!!! But whatever, they told me to go home and that I "could be" in very early labor.
Well, I was pretty tired of the hospital by then. I thought the medical world was more advanced to tell me that I "might" be in labor or that I could be in "false labor". Why can't they know for sure? Are we too obsessed with finding the cure for some sort of terminal disease that will save millions of peoples lives? (The answer is yes....so thank you doctors.)
But I was also pretty sick of myself. Shouldn't I know? Shouldn't my body be doing what it is supposed to be and telling me when it is actually in labor instead of all this "fake" and "early" crap?
Movies make it out to be this huge dramatic thing where you rush to the hospital and are in total panic. Advocates of natural birth tell you to listen to your body and it will do what it is supposed to. Drug companies tell you the pain is gonna be so bad you are gonna need a needle in your back to deal (but don't worry that you may be paralyzed because of that...) You know what all those things have in common? YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN LABOR. And you know that in some short and some long time you will have a baby out of you.
So it's not that I really want to have baby boy stop growing in me or baby boy to be early or baby boy to be on my schedule or that I am really sick of the pain of pregnancy. It's just I would like some concrete knowledge on what is the real thing. So yes, for the past three days I turned in to one of the dreaded women who say "I just want this baby out of me." And I felt so guilty.
Then I looked online. It turns out that a lot of people get sent home from the hospital for "not knowing" whether or not you are in labor or not. My body isn't the only one that is dumb. You know, during the childbirth class, they tell you: "oh well the nurses are used to sending people home. Don't feel bad." Well, I still felt bad. In fact, I was mad (I threw a few things when I got home---mostly my clothes in to the hamper) and I wanted a baby out of me so I didn't have to go through the hospital visits again. I actually started believing that I would never have this baby. That he would have to go to school and do things through the womb. My body just didn't work right.
But since reading comment after comment about being sent home, having lots of contractions, I don't feel too angry at myself or my body anymore. I guess I am ready to trust it again--maybe, if it's nice.
I am sure most of you are like...what the fudge this isn't about feminism or pop culture or like any of your other posts. And if you feel like you wasted your time, I am sorry. But the thing is: THEY DON'T TELL YOU THESE KINDS OF THINGS. I actually had to look at several blog posts for a few hours yesterday until I found a group of women that actually got sent home for similar reasons to me. That told me I was gonna be okay. I can make this last month, I will not turn in to a pregnant blob, and I will have this baby. Eventually. Maybe in a month, maybe a little more, maybe less. I might get up everyday wondering, "are these the real contractions?" But it's not because I want the baby out of me.
I just want to know if I'm gonna be a mom today for real or not.
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