A feminist marriage?

My friend and coworker is a videographer and has his own business, Memories in Motion. So pretty much he makes a "music video" of couple's weddings. He is amazingly good and you can't believe he hasn't gotten some sort of professional training.

But this is not about a promotion of his business(check it out if you wish). His new wedding video got me thinking about my dream wedding. And ugh, I am so indecisive about it all.

When I was 14, I decided that I was 'never' going to get married. Yep, never. I didn't see the point, I could still have kids and not be married, I could still have a job and not be married, I could still live with a male and not be married.

This phase in my life lasted until I started getting serious with my high school beau. He talked me in to a lot of things, but marriage was one of them he wanted so badly, so he talked me in to wanting that with him too.

After three years of dating, I broke up with him. I realized the kind of control he had on me and wanted to end it. It's been a long year and a half...but finally, I know what I want with out him.

But I am still on the fence about marriage, I can't decide if I still want it or not.

A lot of me wants to revert back to my 14 year old self. I posted a video of a 5 year old girl a few posts ago and she reminds me so much of myself at that age. But of course, I am not like that anymore. I want a job/career/life/independence when I get married but if the guy I love gives me an ultimatum (marry me or I leave), I would give in.

So I started thinking about it, weighing the pros and cons. Marriage, Marriage, Marriage.

1. I'm not a traditionally spiritual person, so the whole to be married because of God goes out that window.
2. I'm planning to have a career where I can support myself and my children, so I wouldn't marry to have financial support or insurance from my partner.
3. I may not have a partner I am allowed to marry. Withholding gays from marriage means that they might start telling us that it is not okay to marry anyone with a different race/religion/class/background/last name/etc than you. Think about that!
4. I would not marry to have someone else's last name, I think that is lame. My partner can take mine if s/he think is that important. And my kids are also having my last name.
5. I'm a financial person and frankly, even spending a 500 dollars just on myself and my partner seems too much, let alone several thousand for a ceremony. I would rather spend that money on food? a house?
6. I don't need a ring from a person to know that s/he loves me.
7. Bridezilla is not a role that I want to take. (And I am 110% sure I would take that role, look at #5-it's my money, I want control.)
8. I'm not 'waiting until marriage', if you know what I mean, so I am not in a rush.
9. After my grandparents pass away, I won't really care what people think of me if I start cohabitating with my partner. (Which will be the sadness to my mother...meh)
10. The whole wedding ceremony is completely patriarchal, anti-feminist.

I guess it really depends on the person I am dating...I once dated a guy that was 'waiting until marriage', so I would respect that and use #8 for a reason to get married. They have to have a good reason to, I'm flexible with my beliefs but that means they need to be flexible, too.

I used to think that there is this feminist idea of a marriage. But that gets really complicated because there is so many different kinds of feminism. I would have to change the ceremony around so much, for example:

• There is no way I am letting a person buy me an expensive ring, we will have the same ring because we are equals.
• I will not let my father walk me down the aisle.
• I'm not wearing white...
• Traditional vows are way out the window
• My maid of honor is probably going to be a male...and he probably won't want to wear a dress...

I could probably think of a lot more. I can already see several issues where this will be a problem. My fathers feelings would be hurt, my mom would be worried for my reputation, my sister will throw a fit when she isn't a maid of honor and a guy is, my relatives will think I'm judging them because they used traditional vows...and so on.

So even though most of my family will think I am going to go to the opposite of heaven because I am living with my partner, I'm not gonna let that push me in to a marriage. If it is the right thing for us to do, then I'll do it, but outside factors are not gonna force me to. (Like the excuse "i just got married because every one else was married" is not a reason for me)

So what's the verdict? Marriage or no marriage? I'll wait until I am in a serious relationship to make that decision.