When feminism can not help...

With feminism, comes choices. A lot of people believe that feminism is a bunch of man-hating lesbians complaining about life. And maybe, some of it is that.

For me, feminism means the choice to do what you want with out judgement. Our society is created in a way that creates women to be weak and mindless. When a women is not weak and mindless, she is less of a women. I know a lot of my readers do not believe in this structure.

I encountered myself believing in some of this structure through out my beginning of motherhood. Not the weak and mindless belief, but the belief that all mothers should breastfeed. I am sure most of you have heard that "breast is best". You know, breastfeeding is better for the baby and the mother. There is scientific proof that medically, it is better for them.

However, society doesn't leave room for exceptions. You see, I wanted to breastfeed. I was going to school full time and work full time and there was no way that I was gonna leave my son and not have this way to bond with him afterwards. I wanted him to know who his mother is. Sadly, I wanted to finally be able to "use" my god given boobs for what they were given to me for.

I researched everything. I went to the labor classes. I wanted to do everything right to set me up for breastfeeding. I was upset when I had to schedule my labor. Induction sometimes leads to the inability to breastfeed. However, the doctor ended up breaking my water instead of giving me medications to start contractions. So I thought my relationship with breastfeeding would not be affected for that reason.

My labor and delivery took 5 and a half hours. I was not exhausted at the end of it. I was revived and ready to start breastfeeding. I withheld the urge to depend on pain medications to not have the reminder of the contractions getting closer together and the birth of my son coming closer and closer. Pain medications sometimes affect the babies ability to latch and feed.

Simon Caleb was born at 1:15pm; he was 5 pounds and 12 ounces. Due to his size, nurses explained to me that he may be too weak to latch, but I tried breast-feeding every time they wanted me to feed him. Also due to his size, they wanted to supplement his attempts of nursing with a bottle. Something that I did not want to do until nursing was well established.

But his health was more important then my attempts at nursing, so I did not let them. The lactation consultant (we had one for a very large hospital) was no help even though I called her to my room 3 or 4 times in my 2 night stay. She just explained that "some babies do not latch and that I needed to pump every three hours to build my supply."

After two weeks of attempting to even get him to latch, he would not. He was already off formula as I was making enough breast milk to feed him. I  decided to cut out the stress and move to exclusive pumping. So every time I fed him, I pumped later. It is exhausting.

People ask me if he is breastfed and I have no idea how to answer. "Uhm kind of...he didn't actually ever latch...BUT he still gets breast milk." Society makes me feel like a failure for not being able to breastfeed. I know other mothers who did not get the chance to breastfeed may feel the same way. Some moms who were able to nurse may feel that women who can't, gave up or they may feel that they were forced to breastfeed because society told them that is what was best.

It really struck a chord with me that I could be so upset with no being able to breastfeed and how society has "pushed"  me to think that it was the only way I could have fed my child. Feminism taught me that society should not speak for my life and how I make my choices. And yet, here I am tears falling as I write this. Still upset that I can not whip out a boob and feed my son. 

Feminism never told me that sometimes the choice is not yours to make. With motherhood, sometimes feminism can only tell you to do what you feel is right. For me, that was to give my son milk that I made because he decided he didn't want to breastfeed. For other mothers, it may be to give their child formula. For other mothers, it may be both.

Society has made me feel guilty that I was not able to breastfeed. Well screw you society. You are not the one staying up even longer than when my son needs to eat to make him his milk. You are not the one paying for his diapers, his insurance, driving him to his doctors appointments or watching him grow. You may make generalized statements about what is best and you may have scientific truths to back you up, but you don't know me. You don't know every mother.

You also do not know that I am still making sacrifices to feed my child. I can't wear normal bras, I can't eat spicy foods, I can't go places with out my pump or planning around pumps. You do not know me. You do not know each and every mother and what they have given up in order to meet your demands.

For mothers who nurse, you are feeding your child. As mothers who pump, you are feeding your child. As mothers who buy formula, you are feeding your child. Shouldn't feeding your child be the most important thing, not how to do it?

Finally, not breastfeeding and going through this struggle has made me realize that I am not weak and mindless. I am strong and I have opinions. Well, I kind of knew that already, but this has certainly helped affirm this.

Reality Television

I'm visiting my parents this week and I found that my dad watches a lot of reality television. It is actually kind of boring reality television, not a lot of drama happens with 'Pawn Stars' and 'American Picking'

But what I've realized is that these shows have 1 or 2 'regular' women on them. The women show up from time to time, in 'Pawn Stars' the women makes a complete fool out of herself by showing up late and talking back to the boss. And on 'American Picking' she has tattoos everywhere and takes credit from sale that her guy friend did for her.

This women are not representative of the American population. So I started thinking of the 'women reality' tv shows. One is "America's Next Top Model", where it shows very slender and light women cat fighting on their off time. This is again, not representative.

Another reality show that was popular was "Girls next Door", which followed the lives of three women-all who were dating the same man-Hugh Hefner. As much as I enjoyed that show, it was never really representative of American Women.

I would like to think that American women are intelligent, strong individuals that can get farther with their brains then their sexuality. However, what the televisions show the viewers is women are not getting farther with their brains. In fact, they show 'real' women using their sexuality to get money, using their beauty to be important, and in their spare time, these women are not very nice to their fellow women.

girl=dumb, blonde=dumb, Hannah=MAD

Ever been called stupid because of your gender? Yes.

Ever been called stupid because of your hair color? Yep.

In seventh grade a guy told me that I didn't know anything because I am a girl. So when our math tests came back the next week and I got a much better score then him, I was pleased to say that he was very wrong with me 'not knowing anything'. From then on, I worked very hard to be 'good' at school and I have succeeded.

I feel like I need to be an example to my gender, everyday. When I have a bad day, people blame it on because I am a girl. When guys have a bad day, they have a bad day. I never hear about PMS, or PPMD or whatever they make up next with guys. So I've gotten very good at hiding my feelings around people because I know they'll minimize my feelings to 'oh it's just PMS'.

No, it's not PMS. It's because you are a butthole.