Sex and the Single

Ask anyone of my close friends: I'm open about my sexuality.

Well technically, I'm open about everything.

Last fall, I was compared to Samantha from Sex and the City. Until this comparison I always thought I was Carrie, the columnist with a wonderful quirky fashions sense. I denied the statement that I was Samantha and I went to Sex and the City 2 with a guy friend. While watching the movie, I realized my friend was right. I was Samantha. Not Carrie. I was never Carrie. Nor could I be Miranda because I was too carefree and Charlotte, Charlotte was much too innocent and pretty to be me.

I was stunned. I watched Sex and the City for years thinking that I was Carrie. Now I am Samantha? How can I deal with that information?

I dealt with it like I usually deal with big changes. I push it deep inside me and try not to think about it.

It's not like I wanted to be Carrie, or Miranda, or Charlotte. But I didn't want to be Samantha. She never had a real stable relationship and it seemed to me that out of the four of them she was always, well, alone.

I do not want to be alone. I want to have great sex with a partner but I want a partner to stay. Like a lot of women I have dreams about my future life with a good looking partner and a few kids and of course, a great job.

I am as some say, a serial dater. It wasn't expected and I certainly did not try to. But I've realized all my relationships have lasted no longer than 3 dates (official or unofficial). Always around date three the relationship ended, sometimes breaking my heart, other times relieving me of added stress that a 'relationship' gives a person.

And I realized through this tumultuously few years of dating, that I am happy being alone.

Being single is a great thing and dating brings you many benefits. As my Sex and the City ladies talk about how wonderful their boyfriends are and what he was doing that pissed them off last, I sit there and wonder if I will ever have a relationship again. Because I really don't want one. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's because I am almost done with college and I am just ready to move on with my life, maybe it's because I'm in denial and I actually really want a relationship. All three of these reasons are valid and probably true. But I do not care.

I enjoy being single because I make decisions for myself that are good for me, not the people I am involved with. I worry that my friends won't be around me when I need them, but when I need someone, I have a friend that is there. My need to be in a relationship is only for sexual circumstances and really, that can be met some other creative ways too.

I realize that out of all four of the ladies of 'Sex and the City' if I grow up to be Samantha, I would not care. She's happy. She gets what she wants out of life and she doesn't let others bring her down. No, she doesn't end up married with kids or married at all. But that is not what she wants. If I follow her footsteps, I will get what I want and I will do good at it. I won't end up in a marriage with a guy named BIG, or with 2 kids named after flowers and a husband who is a bald guy, or a successful attorney with a weird looking husband. I will end up with what I want, whatever that is.

Samantha is the only woman I see in the show who will not bend her values to the needs of her partner.

And I like that. If that makes me alone for the rest of my life, so be it. My choices will be my own and I like being my own agent.